Love is...the reason we're here on earth

Just wanted to check in so you would know I hadn't forgotten about you. I've been hearing our song a lot on the radio lately. I love it! I went for a visit at my great aunt and uncle's house yesterday. I'm trying to get all my visiting in while I'm in Seattle. My aunt is one smart cookie! I really enjoy the conversations that I have with her. She is a wealth of knowledge for life and my family's history which is very nice for me given that I don't know much about my family...or life considering I'm only 27 and she's 80. I'll take you to meet them one day. They're wonderful!

My aunt was telling me a story of when she was a young girl. She said that God told her that there was a man out to see named Lawrence who she would marry. This was a few years before she actually met him but isn't that wonderful?! Remember how I was telling you that I wish I knew what your name is? Maybe I haven't been listening close enough. It would be such a blessing if God told me your name.

I cannot believe that April is almost over already! Not that I'm complaining. Each passing month gets me closer to you.

Today is a sunny day. Not quite as warm as yesterday but still nice. I hope you're enjoying it wherever you are.

Hugs!

XOXO

Just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you while I'm alone at this house in Seattle. I sure wish you were here with me. I don't do very well as a loner; I hope you're the same way. Once we meet I know that I'm going to want to spend all my time with you from that moment on. I hope that doesn't seem scary in any way...I know that guys can get freaked out about stuff like that. But, I'm not that worried because I have a feeling you're going to feel the same way. That's why you're the "One" :-)

Anyway, I go through the calendar on my phone a couple times a week and go through my plans until I get to August. It helps me feel like August isn't really that far away. Really, it's only four months now. When I first started writing to you in January it was seven months. So, we're almost at the half way point and things always go faster in downhill motion.

Well, it's dinner time. Just know that I think about you every single day...whoever you are.

Isn't the "Love Is" cartoon so appropriate?!

Love is...

Hey Hun,

I don't really have a reason to write today per se. Just an update. Today is Thursday and my last day of work for a couple of weeks while I'm housesitting in Seattle. It will be nice to spend some time over there so I can catch up with friends and family that I don't often see. My list of people to see has already grown quite large and now I'm hoping I can fit it all in. Chances are I will be frustrated with myself for not allowing more freedom. Oh well, in any event I'm sure it will be great. I'm going to be staying in the U-district at a very cute house owned by my dad's (Tim) cousin and his wife. They have two large dogs and three cats and I'm bringing Kai along as well so I'll be surrounded by excitement the entire time.

Mickey leaves for Germany this coming Tuesday so I'm going to see him and Allison Sunday for a "going away" dinner. Then Allison isn't leaving for another month so she's going to stay with me at the house the majority of the time which will be nice. Peder was pressuring me into letting him come over for a few days but I refused. It's time that tie was made strictly friendly and all physical contact severed completely. I don't want him, I want you! I just wish you'd hurry up and get here, lol.

Speaking of ties however, I was contacted by Chris Haugen. He's the boyfriend I had in Hawaii, the one I got Kai with. Every now and then he'll contact me and it's never pleasant. He was controlling then and he's controlling now. He feels he has some right to Kai because he knew him 1 year out of his life. Chris betrayed me and never made good on some money that he owed me. It wasn't even that much, $350 but it's the principle of the matter in my eyes. Especially since I had it at one point and gave it back to him because he would have been broke only because he promised to give it to me as soon as he got to where he was going. As you can imagine, after numerous excuses, I never saw it.

Well, I received a friend request from him on Facebook. This is the fourth or fifth over the years. I've always hit "ignore" but then he sends it again some months later. My friend Tamara accepted his friend request and then told me that he doesn't look very good. I checked out his page just to find that he had recently put pictures of me up there! How weird is that?! Shortly after I received a friend request which I "ignored". Then a month later, another one.

I finally wrote to him and said, "Is there something you want to say to me or are you just trying to add another number to your site? I'm confused about the recurring friend requests." He waited a few days and then replied, "Actually no I have nothing to say to you and I don't need you as a friend but I would really love to hear about how Kai is doing. I tried the phone number I had for you but it doesn't work. Even though we have our issues I do miss him and would like to hear how he is doing every once in a while. Even a picture would be nice." My reply was not very nice I know but really, it was time for this to end, " If you had handled things between us differently I may be more inclined to include you in my life. Since you have no interest in ME anyway, I'm definitely not going to tell you about my dog. That's a topic saved for friends and family. Given that you are neither, it does not concern you. My phone number is the same it ever was; enough said about that. By the way, it's kind of strange that you recently put pictures of me up on your page. It would be one thing if we were friends but...Please Chris, just leave me alone. You lost all your rights to Kai when you betrayed me. Nonetheless, may God bless you with happiness in your present life and help you find the courage to let go of connections you had in the past."

Then I blocked him so he can't contact me at all on Facebook. I pride myself on staying friends with ex-boyfriends. They have all offered me some bit of who I am today and I thank them for that and want to honor the time we had together. Chris is different. I honestly want nothing to do with him! My life is better when he's not in it in any form. He was a mistake and should reside only in my memory as a "learning experience".

Well, it's 10:23 AM and I should probably get off the computer and get ready for work. Have you ever read those little cartoons in the paper titled "Love is..."? I absolutely adore them and want to share them with you. I'll attach a new one to each post I write.

Until next time...XOXO (I wish I could do that for real)

So much to catch up on!

Hey Darlin',

It has been a long time since I've written to you. Lots has happened and not all of it good. I really wish you were here with me. I could use your support right now.

Have I mentioned before that I do housesitting? Well, I just finished up with a week housesitting gig between two different houses. Both of the people who hired me are friends of Mom's. The first night at the first house I had Haleigh spend the night with me. We had a lot of fun going in the hot tub and watching movies together. It was Spring Break for her so it was okay for her to sleep over on a Sunday night.

Not only did I want her company because I enjoy it but also so that I wouldn't be tempted to see Peder who lived just up the road from the house. Haleigh left Monday and I was alone at the house. I did very well. I had been feeling tempted to contact Peder not because I really wanted to see him or be with him. I definitely have not wanted to get back together! I guess I've just been lonely. It's nice to be held and feel loved. Well, I faced this temptation and I resisted. Peder had not contacted me for over a month because the last time he called me, a week after I saw him last, I didn't call him back. I can usually count on him being stubborn and this time it worked in my favor.

Well, then came Wednesday and he sent me text asking if I was home so he could stop by. I wasn't and told him so. He then proceeded to say that he didn't want any hard feelings between us and he wanted to see me. Here is where I made the mistake, I agreed. I really don't want to get into too many graphic details but some bad stuff happened. Everything really started out well. I was nervous to see him but then when I did my nervousness washed away and I realized that I felt friendly toward him. And we did, we were friends the majority of the day. We spent quite a bit of time together and it was really nice.

Then after drinking (bad idea!) he tried to kiss me. I resisted and pushed him away. I then found out that he had slept with another woman, a married woman at that in between the first time we broke up and when we first saw each other. I wasn't hurt or upset that he had done the act. We were broken up, not a big deal but I was upset that he lied to me when I had asked him before sleeping with him and he told me he hadn't been with anyone. The news was rather emotional but I did forgive him. One thing led to another and because I had drank too much I ended up falling asleep on the couch just to wake to him on top of me. I was very angry, hurt, disgusted, violated! I didn't know what to do. I cried, I hit him, and then I let him comfort me. I don't know why. He claimed that he thought I was playing with him, like a role-play or something.

Anyway, the next day he came to get something he had forgotten and I told him that I really want to be friends with him and nothing more. He agreed and I let him stay for dinner. Everything was perfect! We were truly friends. No kissing and definitely no sex.

But now, contact has been reestablished. I'm sad because I fear that I will not get to meet you as soon as I was hoping. However, Kristine did say that Peder would stop contacting me around May and that's next month. I'm still going with that as truth. It would be nice to be able to be friends with Peder but I'm afraid he'll always want more. I'm getting ready for a two week stay in Seattle starting this coming Sunday. Peder wants to come stay with me but I told him that he can't. He didn't accept my answer though and told me to tell him if I change my mind. I just need to surround myself with friends and move past the bump in the road.

I'm so sorry Sweetheart! I really was trying to attract you to me sooner but now I've gone and messed it all up. I guess I'll have to wait until August after all =-( I had a dream last night that I met you in town at the Home Depot. You worked there and were helping me find something, I can't remember what now. You were flirting with me and when it came time for me to check out you told me that you were going to miss me. I shared in your sentiment and told you that I had never had such a great shopping experience at Home Depot before. Then instead of letting me go to another checker, you checked me out yourself. Then at the stand behind me, the checker said my name. She was a friend of Mom's and we started talking. When I turned around you were gone. My hopes for you asking for my number were shattered and all I could do was hope you would see my name on the credit card receipt and find me somehow.

What do you think it means? I took it as us being so close to finding each other and yet still far away. I really felt good in the dream though. I remember walking around the store with you and realizing that you were The One. It was instant for me. But, I didn't do anything bold like I've mentioned before. I just went with the flow and let you take the lead.

I know this post is super long already, I'm sorry. I just have so much to tell you. I've saved the best for last. This is going to seem weird to you, I'm sure but I think it's great! I've done this twice now and found great satisfaction both times. Hmmm, how to begin...

Okay I'm just going to say it. I've made love to you twice already. I know that sounds ridiculous but stay with me here. I've realized that I've never ever really made love to anyone I've ever been with. Up until this point it has always been sex, or worse, (enter swear word here). I believe that the physical sex for women is completely intertwined with the woman's mind. Here's a little tidbit of information for you, sometimes I wake up from sleep having an orgasm. I guess I'm in the 10% of women in the world that this happens to. This just confirms my belief that a woman's climax directly correlates with where her mind is.

Up until you I've always had to think about pretty naughty things in order to get off. It was always the same when I was with a man. So, I was never really "with" them at all because my mind was elsewhere.

The other night I decided to try something else. As I played with myself I thought about being with you, well, the idea of you since I don't know what you look like. I completely focused on our time together and my mind did not wander a single time. As I climaxed I repeated the words, "I love you" over and over. It was beautiful!

Then I wasn't sure if that was a one time thing so I decided to try it again and it was equally wonderful. This is something that has been a goal for me for a long time. Because of my sexually history (that's too much to go into right now) I've always been somewhat "damaged" when it came to my view of sex and how I interacted in it. I had been using some positive thinking to change this and I prayed about it and lo and behold, it happened.

I suppose the reason I have had to wait for you as long as I have is so that the work on myself will lead us to have a great relationship. Sex is a huge part of a budding romance and I want to do it right with you. I'm ready now! I'm so excited for the first time it become a reality for us. For now I'll settle for making love to you in my mind.