So much to catch up on!

Hey Darlin',

It has been a long time since I've written to you. Lots has happened and not all of it good. I really wish you were here with me. I could use your support right now.

Have I mentioned before that I do housesitting? Well, I just finished up with a week housesitting gig between two different houses. Both of the people who hired me are friends of Mom's. The first night at the first house I had Haleigh spend the night with me. We had a lot of fun going in the hot tub and watching movies together. It was Spring Break for her so it was okay for her to sleep over on a Sunday night.

Not only did I want her company because I enjoy it but also so that I wouldn't be tempted to see Peder who lived just up the road from the house. Haleigh left Monday and I was alone at the house. I did very well. I had been feeling tempted to contact Peder not because I really wanted to see him or be with him. I definitely have not wanted to get back together! I guess I've just been lonely. It's nice to be held and feel loved. Well, I faced this temptation and I resisted. Peder had not contacted me for over a month because the last time he called me, a week after I saw him last, I didn't call him back. I can usually count on him being stubborn and this time it worked in my favor.

Well, then came Wednesday and he sent me text asking if I was home so he could stop by. I wasn't and told him so. He then proceeded to say that he didn't want any hard feelings between us and he wanted to see me. Here is where I made the mistake, I agreed. I really don't want to get into too many graphic details but some bad stuff happened. Everything really started out well. I was nervous to see him but then when I did my nervousness washed away and I realized that I felt friendly toward him. And we did, we were friends the majority of the day. We spent quite a bit of time together and it was really nice.

Then after drinking (bad idea!) he tried to kiss me. I resisted and pushed him away. I then found out that he had slept with another woman, a married woman at that in between the first time we broke up and when we first saw each other. I wasn't hurt or upset that he had done the act. We were broken up, not a big deal but I was upset that he lied to me when I had asked him before sleeping with him and he told me he hadn't been with anyone. The news was rather emotional but I did forgive him. One thing led to another and because I had drank too much I ended up falling asleep on the couch just to wake to him on top of me. I was very angry, hurt, disgusted, violated! I didn't know what to do. I cried, I hit him, and then I let him comfort me. I don't know why. He claimed that he thought I was playing with him, like a role-play or something.

Anyway, the next day he came to get something he had forgotten and I told him that I really want to be friends with him and nothing more. He agreed and I let him stay for dinner. Everything was perfect! We were truly friends. No kissing and definitely no sex.

But now, contact has been reestablished. I'm sad because I fear that I will not get to meet you as soon as I was hoping. However, Kristine did say that Peder would stop contacting me around May and that's next month. I'm still going with that as truth. It would be nice to be able to be friends with Peder but I'm afraid he'll always want more. I'm getting ready for a two week stay in Seattle starting this coming Sunday. Peder wants to come stay with me but I told him that he can't. He didn't accept my answer though and told me to tell him if I change my mind. I just need to surround myself with friends and move past the bump in the road.

I'm so sorry Sweetheart! I really was trying to attract you to me sooner but now I've gone and messed it all up. I guess I'll have to wait until August after all =-( I had a dream last night that I met you in town at the Home Depot. You worked there and were helping me find something, I can't remember what now. You were flirting with me and when it came time for me to check out you told me that you were going to miss me. I shared in your sentiment and told you that I had never had such a great shopping experience at Home Depot before. Then instead of letting me go to another checker, you checked me out yourself. Then at the stand behind me, the checker said my name. She was a friend of Mom's and we started talking. When I turned around you were gone. My hopes for you asking for my number were shattered and all I could do was hope you would see my name on the credit card receipt and find me somehow.

What do you think it means? I took it as us being so close to finding each other and yet still far away. I really felt good in the dream though. I remember walking around the store with you and realizing that you were The One. It was instant for me. But, I didn't do anything bold like I've mentioned before. I just went with the flow and let you take the lead.

I know this post is super long already, I'm sorry. I just have so much to tell you. I've saved the best for last. This is going to seem weird to you, I'm sure but I think it's great! I've done this twice now and found great satisfaction both times. Hmmm, how to begin...

Okay I'm just going to say it. I've made love to you twice already. I know that sounds ridiculous but stay with me here. I've realized that I've never ever really made love to anyone I've ever been with. Up until this point it has always been sex, or worse, (enter swear word here). I believe that the physical sex for women is completely intertwined with the woman's mind. Here's a little tidbit of information for you, sometimes I wake up from sleep having an orgasm. I guess I'm in the 10% of women in the world that this happens to. This just confirms my belief that a woman's climax directly correlates with where her mind is.

Up until you I've always had to think about pretty naughty things in order to get off. It was always the same when I was with a man. So, I was never really "with" them at all because my mind was elsewhere.

The other night I decided to try something else. As I played with myself I thought about being with you, well, the idea of you since I don't know what you look like. I completely focused on our time together and my mind did not wander a single time. As I climaxed I repeated the words, "I love you" over and over. It was beautiful!

Then I wasn't sure if that was a one time thing so I decided to try it again and it was equally wonderful. This is something that has been a goal for me for a long time. Because of my sexually history (that's too much to go into right now) I've always been somewhat "damaged" when it came to my view of sex and how I interacted in it. I had been using some positive thinking to change this and I prayed about it and lo and behold, it happened.

I suppose the reason I have had to wait for you as long as I have is so that the work on myself will lead us to have a great relationship. Sex is a huge part of a budding romance and I want to do it right with you. I'm ready now! I'm so excited for the first time it become a reality for us. For now I'll settle for making love to you in my mind.