Backtracking

I suppose now is as good a time as any to explain why Kindred has the name that I've given him. I've had boyfriends over the years but there are a small amount which I consider significant. There is my First Love, my Longest Love, and Kindred. How significant Kindred truly is is difficult to determine given the recent break up. Years from now I may be able to offer insight guided by hindsight which is outside of my grasp at this time.

Anyway, I mentioned before that the psychic that I saw a few days ago was someone that I know. At some point last summer I started having a strong urge to seek out a psychic. I had been separated from my Longest Love for about nine months and I was curious about my future. When I found her and had my reading I had just recently started seeing Kindred and asked about whether I had a future with him. What she told me sounds far fetched. She told me that Kindred is literally a kindred spirit of mine (hence the name I chose for him) and that we had a relationship in a past life. In that life Kindred did something hurtful to me and he decided to take a role in this life to uplift me and make up for the hurt he caused me in the past life.

I know that "past lives" are a difficult concept to consider for many. I really believe this was the truth though. Kindred and I fell hard and we fell fast. We were telling each other that we loved one another after just a few days and our passion and emotional connection was so strong that I truly felt like I did already know him.

The psychic told me that Kindred's role in my life this time around was to undo damage done by my Longest Love. Kindred really did wonders for my self esteem and self image. For whatever it's worth, whatever hurt he caused me in the previous life...all is forgiven. I'm grateful for the time I spent with Kindred and I appreciate the confidence he renewed in me.

Epiphany

Knowledge is really an interesting thing. I woke up this morning feeling a bit insecure. Today I go into town for a two night, three day housesitting job. I've sat at this house before and have no anxieties about taking care of the animals or the house. My stress stemmed from the location. The house is literally about five minutes from Kindred's. I have been strong in refraining from contact and know that this weekend will be no different (as long as liquid-courage is not introduced into the situation). I don't want anything to lower my inhibitions because I have been known to make decisions I later regret. As a support my sister is going to spend the night with me at the house, bless her heart.

Well, all that worry was for nothing really. I no longer have it at all. As I've mentioned before, I've decided to spend this alone time to better myself. I have always felt compelled to increase my spiritual awareness and improve my understanding of life. This morning I decided to start meditating. I looked up ways to become centered and then went to my bedroom to practice. Two phone calls and an episode of dog barking later, I was more frustrated than centered. I went back to the computer to at least read more about it for future practice. What I came across was profound. So much so that I was able to realize my part in the failures of all my romantic relationships and some lost friendships over the course of the years. I have been much to selfish. I came across a video which I thought was going to teach me how to meditate but instead taught me my flaws in relationships.

I was so overwhelmed by understanding that I wrote Kindred an email and sent the link for the video. The thing with Kindred and me is that we are soooo alike. I'm hoping that because I got a lot out of the video, so will he. We were both making the same mistakes by putting heavy expectations on the other person to make ourselves happy. After watching the video I realize that expectations of that degree are absolutely ridiculous and bound for failure. The only person who can make me happy is me. The same goes for Kindred. I truly hope that he is able to take the information to heart and change his downfalls so that he can have meaningful relationships in the future. That's what I intend to do now.

I want to share the video with all of you. I hope you can get as much out of it as I have. It is the first video on the right named, "Improving your relationships".
http://www.how-to-meditate.org/videos/

Cleaning out the cobwebs

I just spent over an hour cleaning up all my email, whew! It feels good to get stuff organized and cleaned out. I like to think that it's symbolic to my life right now. I've never been the type of person to really truly appreciate "alone time". I'm much happier when surrounded by loved ones. However, I do understand the importance of it. Given that in six months it will be the end of my "alone time" as I know it, I really think I need to take advantage of this time to clean out some of my emotional, and mental cobwebs.

Spending time with myself can only make me a better person. Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously looking forward to August...this fact made prevalent by the big red circle around the name of the month on my calendar. But, I know that this time is precious. I feel truly blessed to have the inside look into my future. If I did not know my husband-to-be is right around the corner, so to speak, I probably would be more focused on grief, loss, and feeling sorry for myself. I take the side that some things are not meant to be known. On the other hand, knowing can be such a gift in itself. This is one of those situations.

So, what am I going to do to better myself? Anything I want, whenever I want to! I'm going to swim. Not to get in shape but because I love swimming. I'm going to write. Not to make profit but because I'm good at it and it leaves me with a sense of accomplishment and an insight into my unconscious and imagination. I'm going to spend time with my family. Not for their benefit but because I love the heck out of them and always want them near me. I'm going to think, think, and think some more. Most people are so busy they are completely unaware of their thoughts even though they have thousands a day. There is no better way I can think of to know myself better than to simply listen to what I have to say to myself. Though I know myself better than anyone, I really don't spend much time with myself.

All of these things may seem like self-centered, selfish acts. That's true! The thing is, not enough credit is given to selfish acts. I truly believe that in order to love another to the full extent of humanly possible, one must love themselves first. Those who do not take the time to extend their well-being are not only cheating themselves out of the joy it provides, they are cheating others out of the love they could be receiving and in turn be giving. And so, the next six months will be known for the rest of my life as "the 'me' months" and I will remember them and speak of them fondly.

One Week Closer

Well, it has been exactly a week since I broke up with Kindred. It's funny cause I couldn't conceive this day when I was packing up my stuff from his house but, here it is. My anxiety has all but gone extinct. Every now and then I get pangs but for the most part I'm feeling happy again all of the time. It feels good to feel happy and I'm glad I didn't forget how.

Not only has it been a week since the break up but it's been over a week since I shaved my legs lol. That's one of the nice things about not dating I suppose. I just hadn't really felt like doing things to make myself attractive but that changes today. I plan to take a long hot shower and rid myself of the negative energy residing in the week old hair. It's time to start fresh and get my energy on the right path for the future. I even think I'll go swimming tonight for an hour, something I haven't been motivated to do since the break up. A little exercise will do me some good not only physically but mentally.

The best part about it being a week since the break up ... I'm a week closer to meeting "Him". I sure wish I had a name but I know who I mean so I suppose that's good enough. Knowing that our paths are veering toward each other has helped me soooo much with my grief. Every time I start to feel low or depressed I just think about my husband-to-be and my spirits are instantly lifted and I feel excited and giddy. Ahhh, so close and yet so far away...

Operation Turtle Drop

Today I took a road trip with my good friend S. over to the east side of Seattle. The guy that she has been dating lives over there and S. had a very important delivery to make. For the past few weeks she and I had been discussing her relationship with this...I would say "man" only "boy" is much more appropriate given his extreme lack of maturity. S. is a very sweet woman and well-deserving of a loving relationship. However, this boy has been treating her badly and she got fed up with it.

Known for his impulsive tendencies, he on a whim bought S. a turtle when they first started dating with the promise that he would be sure to clean out the tank when he came to visit her. Even though S. had no desire to own a reptile, she appreciated the gesture and bought the necessary items to care for the animal. As would be assumed, the boy never came over and cleaned the tank and S. got tired of smelling the creature. She had already decided that a break up was overdue and she thought the perfect way to do it was to take the turtle (tank and equipment generously donated) and leave it on his doorstep. This is exactly what we did today.

We always have such a great time together and even though the event that drew us to the Seattle area was somewhat depressing, this was no exception. After staking out the territory we stealthly backed up the vehicle, stepped out (leaving the doors open for a quick get away), grabbed the turtle and equipment and crept up the three flights of stairs to the top apartment where the boy's roommate resided at the current moment. We quickly made the drop followed by an even quicker decent down the stairs and before we knew it we were driving away giggling wildly.

S. felt so great I couldn't help but get wrapped up in her excitement. She felt good, relieved that she was finally free. I was so pleased I was able to take this trip with her and support her in this decision. I'm so glad she knows that she deserves better and has the courage to seek it out.

Breaking up is never an easy thing to do. It wasn't easy for me either. I'm still struggling with it. It's so easy to romanticize the relationship once it has ended and wonder if it was the right decision. For me it would have been easy to stay with Kindred because he truly has wonderful qualities and a lot to offer a woman. But, I knew it wasn't right for the long-haul and sometimes doing the right thing is the most difficult decision a person can make.

When you're right, you're right!

Something that Kindred said to me the night we broke up has been on my mind. Granted we only dated for four months but he said to me, "I just don't think you're ready for a long-term relationship". At the time I thought it was absolutely ridiculous. He'd actually said this to me before during an argument and I had called him out on his nonsense then. I'm not the type of girl to waste time dating and most definitely do not date more than one person at a time. My heart's desire is to share a romance with one person, and one person only.

When I asked him to explain himself and why he thinks such a thing, he couldn't. He said it was "just a feeling" which to me meant that he didn't really believe it at all. I told him that he is entitled to his opinion but that he was wrong. There are few people as committal as me and I don't need anyone to agree with me to know this. However, I learned a long time ago that sometimes in difficult or hurtful situations people have to form a reason for the place they find themselves. I think this was Kindred's way of putting the break-up back on me. In his mind it couldn't be the facts that he wasn't able to trust me though I was trustworthy, or that he threatened the end of our relationship as a means to lower my sense of security and put himself in emotional control, or that he got upset about little things which meant nothing until he turned the molehill into a mountain. For him the reason we broke up had to be that I wasn't ready for a "long-term" relationship.

Though I stand by confidence in what I know I want, I have to admit that he was right. He was absolutely right! I'm not looking for a long-term relationship. I'm looking for a marriage, a man I can see myself sharing my life, raising children, and growing old with. I had come to the understanding that Kindred is not this man and therefore I ended the relationship. Kindred was all about not wasting time and that's exactly why I did what I did, because I didn't want to waste anymore time building a long-term relationship that was destined to end.

The Reading

I visited a psychic friend of mine today. I first met her about four months ago when I started to date Kindred. I'll explain more about that as it becomes important. Today however I'd like to share the exciting news which she shared with me. I asked her about my husband-to-be and when I am to meet him. Her answer, "August". I cannot express enough my excitement about this! She told me that he is a wonderful man who will love me deeply and our marriage will be everlasting.

This information after all is the reason for this Blog. This blog is to help me look to the future and distance myself from the past in respect to love. Though a person who does not like to be alone, I am not anxious about this at all. I don't want to date anyone between now and then. I just want to spend these six months with myself, looking internally to do work with myself. All this will then prepare me for that pivotal day when life as I knew it completely changes for the better to encompass the love of the one man I have been meant for since birth...or before if you please.

August seems so far away and yet not far at all in comparison to what it could be. I cannot stress how ready I am for this. Meeting him is the one event I've been longing for and now I'm so close. I want to thank you for taking this journey with me. Finding the love of my life is such a spiritual, emotional, and significant event. Tracking this journey in this way will allow for a special prologue to the romance which I know will be epiphanic.

Wedding Reception

I started my day rather well in comparison to the past few. It's now day three since the break-up and my anxiety was a level 3, the lowest so far. My mom has been giving me anti-anxiety medication the past couple of days because it has been overwhelming. Today I found myself actually smiling and humming songs to myself. I realized I was something close to that familiar emotion called "happiness". I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I got up, dressed up, did my hair and makeup, and went out in public. It's amazing how looking beautiful and confident on the outside actually permeates into the insides, deep into my well-being.

I was feeling great, went to church with my family, then off to do the regular Sunday shopping. Thing about living in a small town...you tend to run into people. The whole four months I dated Kindred I ran into his dad one time outside of those that were planned. Since we have broken up three days ago, I ran into him for the second time today.

The first, Friday was while I was out with my good friend S. at the 7 Cedars Casino. We had planned on going to the local bar in town where we normally meet but when we arrived we ran into a guy we've had problems with before and made a quick get-away. The casino offered a much nicer atmosphere aside from the wall-to-wall cloud of smoke offered by all the regular gamblers, drinkers, and the like. We found a vacant table close to the dance floor where we could watch the locals shake what their Mama's gave 'em and still remain distant from the sleaze making their routine laps around the island bar. S. and I always have wonderful conversation and this night was no different. We sat laughing and listening to one another along with the awesome band that was playing when I noticed a familiar face on the dance floor. Kindred's dad is an avid dancer and enjoys coming to the casino on occasion to practice his moves. I experienced instant anxiety not knowing what I should do. Should I go up and say "hi"? Should I avoid eye contact and hope he wouldn't notice me? What? What should I do? After discussing it with S. she suggested that I calm down and wait for him to notice me. Then I could say "hi".

This is just what I did. Kindred's dad approached me, "You look familiar" he said. I attempted to keep things light and airy not knowing what he did or did not know of the situation between Kindred and me. I asked if he was having fun which he replied he was. Then his face turned sincere and he asked how I was doing. At this point I knew that he knew. I told him that it has been hard on me and that I will miss all of them very much. Kindred's dad was so sweet and comforting, taking my hand in his and covering it with the warmth of his other. I was happy to know that he was feeling a loss just as I am. We hugged and he was gone as quickly as he came.

Today It was a less intimate interaction. I was having lunch in Costco with my parents when he came strolling down the aisle. We met eyes and he came over to say hello while placing his hand on my shoulder. The conversation was brief and yet as he walked away I felt good that no awkwardness or hard feelings were portrayed from him to me. My lack of anxiety at this point became moot as my stomach clenched up and I was flooded with happy memories of Kindred and what I had given up just a few days ago.

These thoughts trailed with me throughout the day, off and on. Then after picking up my sister from basketball practice we left as a family to Port Townsend for a wedding reception. The recently married couple were so happy at the small intimate gathering they graciously included us in. "I want that", I kept repeating to myself as I watched them longingly. "Soon" I kept telling myself in rebuttal, "soon".

Heartache

It is now day two since my break-up and my anxiety, though lessened is still present. My eating and sleeping habits are not what they should be and this overall sense of "ick" is enough to drive me mad. I've decided to keep a blog as a way to work through my heartache and as a way to track my journey to the love I know is coming in the near future.

I'm struggling with my feelings because I know I have made the right decision in separating from the man I was involved with for the past four months and yet a very dominate part of my being longs to be with him. He has a great deal of qualities as a person. Many of which I am looking for in a life-long partner.

Seven months seems like an eternity right now. You see, I will meet my husband in seven months. I suppose when compared to years, seven months really isn't long at all. It's the fact that I want love and commitment now and the fact that I had something similar to it just recently. It would have been easy to stay with ... I'll call him "Kindred" but I feel it would have made things worse down the road when the time came to separate. Sometimes two people are not meant to be, and no amount of effort can change the tides of fate.

There's so much left to write but I will dismiss for the time being. My heart still aches but in time it will be filled with a love greater than even I can comprehend. How I know this is more than faith or hope; an inside look has granted me tidbits of the life I am to share with the man I am destined for. I just wish the time was NOW...perhaps it is time to learn the true meaning of "patience" and how it is a virtue.