Wedding Reception

I started my day rather well in comparison to the past few. It's now day three since the break-up and my anxiety was a level 3, the lowest so far. My mom has been giving me anti-anxiety medication the past couple of days because it has been overwhelming. Today I found myself actually smiling and humming songs to myself. I realized I was something close to that familiar emotion called "happiness". I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I got up, dressed up, did my hair and makeup, and went out in public. It's amazing how looking beautiful and confident on the outside actually permeates into the insides, deep into my well-being.

I was feeling great, went to church with my family, then off to do the regular Sunday shopping. Thing about living in a small town...you tend to run into people. The whole four months I dated Kindred I ran into his dad one time outside of those that were planned. Since we have broken up three days ago, I ran into him for the second time today.

The first, Friday was while I was out with my good friend S. at the 7 Cedars Casino. We had planned on going to the local bar in town where we normally meet but when we arrived we ran into a guy we've had problems with before and made a quick get-away. The casino offered a much nicer atmosphere aside from the wall-to-wall cloud of smoke offered by all the regular gamblers, drinkers, and the like. We found a vacant table close to the dance floor where we could watch the locals shake what their Mama's gave 'em and still remain distant from the sleaze making their routine laps around the island bar. S. and I always have wonderful conversation and this night was no different. We sat laughing and listening to one another along with the awesome band that was playing when I noticed a familiar face on the dance floor. Kindred's dad is an avid dancer and enjoys coming to the casino on occasion to practice his moves. I experienced instant anxiety not knowing what I should do. Should I go up and say "hi"? Should I avoid eye contact and hope he wouldn't notice me? What? What should I do? After discussing it with S. she suggested that I calm down and wait for him to notice me. Then I could say "hi".

This is just what I did. Kindred's dad approached me, "You look familiar" he said. I attempted to keep things light and airy not knowing what he did or did not know of the situation between Kindred and me. I asked if he was having fun which he replied he was. Then his face turned sincere and he asked how I was doing. At this point I knew that he knew. I told him that it has been hard on me and that I will miss all of them very much. Kindred's dad was so sweet and comforting, taking my hand in his and covering it with the warmth of his other. I was happy to know that he was feeling a loss just as I am. We hugged and he was gone as quickly as he came.

Today It was a less intimate interaction. I was having lunch in Costco with my parents when he came strolling down the aisle. We met eyes and he came over to say hello while placing his hand on my shoulder. The conversation was brief and yet as he walked away I felt good that no awkwardness or hard feelings were portrayed from him to me. My lack of anxiety at this point became moot as my stomach clenched up and I was flooded with happy memories of Kindred and what I had given up just a few days ago.

These thoughts trailed with me throughout the day, off and on. Then after picking up my sister from basketball practice we left as a family to Port Townsend for a wedding reception. The recently married couple were so happy at the small intimate gathering they graciously included us in. "I want that", I kept repeating to myself as I watched them longingly. "Soon" I kept telling myself in rebuttal, "soon".