One year older

Well, I'm 27! It's kind of hard to believe that I'm just three years away from 30. I wonder how old you are. I think 27 is the perfect age to meet the person you're going to marry though. I'm pretty sure it's how old my dad was when he met my mom. I was feeling a little bit of anxiety about turning 27. My mom gave birth to me when she was 27 and here I am unmarried and without kids. I guess I always thought things would fall into place earlier for me.

Then again, someone once told me that it's wise not to marry before the age of 30. She said that by 30 you know who you are and what you want. The chances of divorce are lessened. Well, I may not be 30 when you and I decide to marry but I'll be close. Of course, I'm not worried about divorce with you. I know how devoted I am and the kind of wife I want to be. In addition, Kristine told me that we don't get divorced so that just supported what I already believed.

My birthday was a lot of fun. Unfortunately I had a little bit too much fun and was sick all of yesterday while I was trying to recuperate. The band at the casino was awesome! I even got some fun pictures with some of the cross-dressers. At one point I went up on stage with my friend Gary and then security came and asked us to get down. Lol, it was pretty funny.

When I was staying with Allison a couple weekends ago she told me about one of her customers. She's in her forties but full of life. Allison told me that the woman is always excited when it's her birthday. I found this mind-opening. Birthdays should always be celebrated. For some reason our society has put a limit on when birthdays stop being "fun" and start meaning "old". I decided at that moment that I'm never going to embrace "old"; I'm always going to love my birthday. After all, life on this earth should be celebrated and that was the day it all started for me.

I think that attitude had a lot to do with my birthday turning out well. You already know how I feel about the power of attraction and positive thought. I had just never applied this to birthdays. For some reason as people age they tend to give their birthdays less and less admiration. They tell people under their breath that it's their birthday and say that it's "no big deal". It's a shame! I hope you feel the same way. We're going to make a big deal out of your birthday too =-)

Wow, can you believe that March is almost over already?! I'm really hoping we meet before August. The Lambs have asked me to housesit for three weeks in July and their house is incredible! I would love to have you there with me then. Still no word from Peder since his phone call almost three weeks ago. That's a really good sign. I truly believe my actions may have moved everything up in time. Well, we'll see soon enough.

"What's in a name?

That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet."

Do you know where I got that quote from? I'm guessing that you do since Kristine told me you are very intelligent. I thought it was fitting for what I've been thinking about lately. You don't know this but I'm not exactly "fond" of my last name.

It's not like it's something gross or embarrassing. It's just very different. Unique is usually a good thing but I'm looking forward to taking on your name. Hopefully you don't have anything gross or embarrassing, lol.

I feel kind of bad about it though. You see, I'm the last Fothergill in my family. I don't think my dad really means to put pressure on me but he has mentioned this fact before. I think he hopes I'll keep it. Of course, it will still die with me given that our children will carry your name. And hyphenating is definitely out of the question. My name is already long enough; I can't imagine having to spell it out anymore than I already do.

I am quite curious as to what your name is. The whole thing really but I'm most intrigued by your last name cause it will one day be mine. I'd like to try it on for size =-) I can't tell you how many guys I've scared off with that line haha. I like to test 'em and see what they're made of. I would ask a guy what his last name was and then I'd say something like, "Oh, that's a nice one, mind if I try it with mine?" and then I'd watch them sweat. Then I'd know he wasn't the one. Something tells me I won't do that with you though. I'll probably want to play it safe so as not to scare you off.

Who knows. Anyway, it's 3:32 and it's my birthday. I'm off to get my hair styled and then get dressed for tonight. I'm sure it's going to be an awesome evening!

One chance at a first impression

I've been thinking a lot about the day we meet. Though I'd like to think it will be "love at first sight" and we run into each other's arms, I have to be realistic. I tend to fantasize a bit especially when it comes to the fairy tale romance. Given that I have the advantage of knowing our meeting is coming I imagine I will know you the minute I see you. You of course, will not have this insight.

I've entertained the thought of kissing you right away. Not on the mouth of course! I don't want to come off as a tramp or anything. But maybe a sweet kiss on the cheek when we go to shake hands our first introduction. Though I would like to do this for story's sake, I'm not sure I'd have the courage when the time comes.

One thing I really want to do is get a picture of us that day. Hopefully we'll meet at a social gathering of some sort so it won't be weird or anything. I just think it would be awesome to have a picture of the day we meet.

We already have a pretty cool start on our story of how we met given that I know it's coming, AND that I'm writing this blog. I just want it to be as special as it possibly can. Of course, I'll be happy with whatever happens given that I will have been waiting for it for so long.

I hope that meeting me will be as special for you as meeting you will be for me.

Two ships passing in the night?

I was coming home from work yesterday when I stopped at a stop sign behind a man on a motorcycle. Though I hope you don't ride motorcycles (I'll explain why some other time) I started wondering if you and I have crossed paths already. Wouldn't that be something?

Kristine, my Intuitive Life Coach told me that you and I meet in the area. I'm hoping that means that you live around here. If that is the case, it's quite possible that we've been near each other and not even known it. Maybe someday we'll be talking about something and learn that we were in the same place at the same time but just didn't find each other. We'll laugh about it then and bathe in the wonderment of it. For now, it just sucks! Lol, that just means I could have been close to you today and not even known it.

My cousin Allison found out something similar with her now husband. She and Mickey actually lived by each other and went to the same school but never knew it until years later when they became a couple. I think it's so wonderful when people have stories like that. I think it's God's way of getting his kicks.

Well, it's St. Patty's Day; I hope you're wearing green. Of course, I'm sure I wouldn't have a problem having to pinch you either ;-) I do wonder what you're up to. Are you out drinking green beer with the guys? Or maybe you have a girlfriend. Hmm, I don't like that idea as much. I think I'll stick with you being out with the guys, lol. After all, it is my blog so I should fantasize it the way I want it right? =-D

I'm not going out tonight. It's 4:36 and the family should be getting home soon. I'm going to plan dinner, do some laundry, and maybe spend some time with the doggies. Beside, I'm going out Saturday for my birthday. I'm sure that will be enough partying to satisfy me for awhile.

I hope whatever you're doing, you're having fun. I wish we were together.

Must love dogs

Have you seen that movie "Must Love Dogs"? It's a romantic comedy; cute but not really a favorite or anything. I just thought it made a cute title for this post =-)

I really do hope you love dogs though because Kai comes with the "me" package. If for some reason you don't like dogs, I'm fairly confident that Kai will change your mind. He is literally the best dog ever! I know everyone says that about their pets but you'll see what I mean.

Kai will 3 years old this coming May. He still has a lot of puppy in him. I actually wish that you and I had kids already (does that freak you out to think about?) because he is the perfect dog for children. He's always ready to "go"...anywhere even if it's just to the end of the driveway to get the mail and he never turns down an opportunity to play.

Before Peder (Kindred) I dated Nate, my longest relationship. Nate and I had broken up for a year while I was away in Hawaii going to school. While there I met and dated a man named Chris. Chris and I got Kai together at the Hilo Humane Society. Actually, we bought Kai and his brother Toby who was an all-over golden color but had the same white strip between his eyes as Kai. Both beautiful dogs but Toby was the brawn and Kai the brain. Chris wasn't allowed to have dogs where he was renting and after not being able to hide them, we decided to put an add in the paper to find them good homes. You have to be careful in Hawaii because most dogs are bought for boar hunting and kept in small kennels for their whole lives. It's really very sad.

A very nice man answered the ad and came to look at Toby and Kai. He only wanted one dog which would be a companion for the dog he already owned. Kai, being the social butterfly that he is, took to the man right away. The man wanted Kai but when I was a little reluctant, he decided to take Toby who he said was the better looking dog anyway.

After the man left with Toby I told Chris that I wanted to keep Kai. Even now I can't believe it came that close to me losing him! Chris and I didn't last long. He was controlling over me and Kai...everyone really. When I broke up with him I told him I wanted to keep Kai. It was decided that I would but while figuring out his living situation, moving out of my parent's house, he went back and forth about leaving Kai with me. I was really scared actually. It was summer but I wouldn't sleep with my window open because I was afraid Chris would come in the middle of the night and take Kai. I still worry about it a little because Chris knows where we are and he occasionally will try to contact me, always asking how Kai is.

He's my baby and I would fight tooth-and-nail to keep him with me and safe. He's become a large part of the family all together, especially with my dad. He and my dad have a very special bond and dad will be very sad the day that Kai (and I) move out. Hopefully you and I won't live far away though so dad can have regular visits with Kai, lol.

Maybe you have a dog too. Hmm, I just thought of that. That would be pretty cool. I think Kai could use a playmate. Link and Ginger (my mom and sister's Dachshunds) don't like playing with Kai because he's so much bigger than them.

You'll find this out soon enough but people are constantly asking what breeds Kai is. I still don't really know. The Humane Society told me "Australian Blue Heeler/Pitbull" but I think he has some kind of running dog in him. You should see him run! One of these days I really want to get him mouth swabbed so we can find out for sure what he is. I'm just curious and beside, I need to know for when it comes time to get another dog cause I want one just like Kai.

That's all for now My Dear.
XOXO

Let's get out of dodge!

I was thinking about you today (something I do everyday) and was daydreaming about traveling with you. My cousin Allison (it's so nice to be able to use real names now that I'm not worried about people reading this) is moving to Germany with her husband, Mickey in just a few weeks. Allison and I had been planning a trip to Europe for after I graduate with my Master's. Since she'll already be there, it changes things a bit.

I'm not really sure what your situation is but I imagine you have a job that does not allow you to leave the country at a drop of the hat. That's okay though; we have lots of time to plan trips. But, I really, REALLY want to go to Europe. I especially want to see Venice before it sinks and want to go wine tasting all throughout Italy. Can we go together? Nothing would make me happier!

Though I'm hoping to meet you sooner, August is still coming up quickly. I know we need time to get to know each other but I'll be the same person in Europe, lol. Okay, I'm done with my little rant. It's just something I've always wanted to do and it would be so much better doing it with you by my side.

I'm excited to travel places with you. I hope you enjoy traveling. It would be awful if you had a fear of flying or something that would challenge us getting to places far away. I'm sure everything will be fine. Beside, if not airplanes, there's always traveling by boat :-)

Our Song

I bet you didn't know it but, we have a song. Everytime I hear this song on the radio I think of you.

Haven't Met You Yet

By: Michael Buble

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
Have Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stopped Keepin Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Time
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Hmmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It By It ??
To Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Hmmm .....

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get han I Get

Oh You Know It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

A change of heart

I've made a decision today. I will no longer use this blog as a daily "journal" of sorts. The point of this blog is for me and my husband-to-be. I may not post everyday any more but instead will post when something relevant comes to be. I considered deleting some of the posts I've already written but have decided not to. Like most things, this blog has matured and grown over time. This decision is part of the journey and all the changes I will face along the way should be illustrated through the writings here. I really want to dedicate this writing to the man I will love my whole life and that is what my posts will pertain to from here on in.

I want to take this moment to apologize if any of the previous posts are...I can't really think of the right descriptive word. I just don't want anything written here to bring any bouts of pain, disappointment, or any other negative feeling from you. <-- another change. I've decided to write directly to you (my husband-to-be) because this blog is strictly for you and hidden from the eyes of anyone else.

Awhile back I was debating about sharing this blog with the world. I've realized that I don't want that. The purpose is for you and for me; for us. Someday I will show this to you. Obviously not at first because you'll think I'm some crazy crackpot who should be the one receiving counseling instead of giving it. However, in time I think you'll be able to appreciate this and I want more than anything for it to be something special for us.

I love you Sweetheart! Boy, it sure is strange to be saying "I love you" to someone I haven't even met but I know it's true. I've loved other men so I know what it feels like. The reason I feel comfortable saying it now is because our connection is that of God which can only mean that we will share a love greater than any I have experienced. I want you to know that I am completely devoted to you. You are all I need now and forever. You can trust me whole-heartedly and I promise to give you the same. I am soooo excited to begin our lives together! I just hope that we don't make too many people jealous of what we have =-)

XOXO

Rant

Okay, I don't know where ya'll live but where I live there's one highway that takes you everywhere you need to go. When I go to my internship it usually takes around 30 minutes and I have two stoplights that I go through. Now, shortly after breaking up with Kindred I decided to better myself. One way I did this was by stopping my habit of speeding while driving. I've always been the type of person who's trying to get where I'm going and no lallygagging. I realized this was reckless and unnecessary because I "usually" give myself plenty of time to get where I need to be. I've been at my internship for seven months now and haven't been late once.

Here comes the rant...use the cruise control people! I understand that this is not always possible especially in high-traffic areas. However, out here on the peninsula it is more than possible, it's beneficial. This is more directed to those who refuse to do the speed limit. For those speeders...I understand. I used to be just like you. Though you should probably slow down, it isn't up to me to tell you otherwise. Beside, as long as I'm behind you and you're speeding, I can comfortably set my cruise control on the speed limit and enjoy my drive.

It's more the inconsistent drivers that "drive" me crazy (ha ha, I love puns!). You're way up ahead so I set my cruise control on the speed limit. The next thing I know I'm tailgating you and having to go back to the gas pedal. Then the next minute you're back up to speeding and I set it just to get right behind you again a moment later. These are the people who would best set the cruise control. If you cannot keep a consistent speed, please move over for those who can.

If everyone set their cruise for the speed limit there would be no problems. Everyone would be evenly spaced between each other and cruising at the legal limit. Of course, I understand this is not probable. I guess this is just one of those, "my way is better" kind of moments.

Back to the grind

I had an eventful weekend on the other side of the water with my cousin A. I went over Friday and stayed until Sunday. We always have fun together and I'm struggling with the fact that she's moving out of the country in just weeks! We went out Saturday night drinking (not much for me cause I was driving) and dancing. One great thing about having Allison with me is that she gets hit on by all the guys and I'm spared, lol. You know how men in bars can be with their eyes undressing every woman and their creepy vibes fogging the room. A. and I were with two of her girlfriends and we had a lot of fun just dancing the four of us.

It feels good to get out and hang with girls. This is something that I regrettably do not do enough of when I'm in a relationship. My boyfriend is always my best friend also which leads to neglecting my girlfriends. Of course, with Kindred, he didn't want me going out much anyway so that didn't help either.

Speaking of Kindred...I received a phone call from him Friday afternoon. He has Friday and Saturday off and the weekend before was when we spent time together. I have to admit I was surprised he called instead of texting. I knew he would wait about a week to contact me because that was the norm before the kissing fiasco led to more complicated connections. Anyway, I noticed he had called after he had already left a voicemail. So, I didn't really not take his call, but I did choose not to call him back. His message was pretty simple telling me that he was thinking about me and wasn't sure if I would take his call. He said he hopes I'm doing well, enjoying the day and that I can call him back if I want to.

As innocent as that sounds, I had a feeling that it was best not to respond. I don't intend to be mean, but I do intend to be distant. I can't let myself worry about him thinking I'm being a b*tch because that would require me explaining things to him and that requires contact. If he does try to contact me again the most I plan to say is that I need time and space before he and I can be friends. For now, I think it's just best to remove myself from the situation all together. The cool part is that I don't really have a desire to talk to him at all.

After we first broke up I was craving his attention immensely. After my brief return to his arms I realized that I had made the correct decision in parting ways and this confirmed my feelings and my direction. I'm actually very grateful for the sense of calm and acceptance that I have. I wish the same for him.

Out of the comfort zone

Remember when awhile ago I wrote about wanting to put my blog out there for people to read? Well, I'm a step closer to that now. Granted, I'm not attracting anyone I actually know. I've become a follower to some blogs and therefore have put myself out there in the blogging community. I truly admire those who have large amounts of followers for their blogs. The risk is that the person's writing, or more so, themselves, is put on the line for criticism. There's no guarantee that anyone will subscribe to my blog but the chance is there. Just the same, I've done my best to remain as anonymous as possible. Not because of shame. I'm just not ready to take the risk of Kindred finding me here.

With that said, I can move on to something which occurred to me last night. I had a dream in which Kindred and I were dating and were out in public. We were walking together glued at the stomach as though we were hugging causing him to walk backward. This was very symbolic to how we were in public. Kindred was always ... I'd say "kissing" me but really they were more like make-out sessions in public places. We were walking this way when I ran into a friend of mine whom I had known when going to school in Hawaii.

When I lived in Hawaii I worked at a Vitamin World and so met many people who were into health and fitness. This friend was one of these who was in very good shape and had large muscles (opposite of Kindred who was tall and slender). I was excited to see this friend and separated myself from Kindred so I could give him a hug. I held Kindred's hand with my left and put my arm around my friend with my right. Kindred was not happy. He went into an establishment to do something and I explained to my friend that Kindred is very jealous but not to let it get to him.

When Kindred returned he confronted my friend aggressively. My friend stood up to Kindred explaining that he is just friends with me and that there was no reason to be unfriendly. My friend then said something that stuck with me. He said, "don't mess with me; I'm Auralian".

When I woke up I googled "Auralian" and found that some believe it is another world. It was very strange for me. Of course, this is not the first time that dreams have provided me with new information. I once had a dream that a boyfriend was cheating on me and when I told him about it he admitted to doing just that. I truly feel I have a psychic connection. I just wish I could use it productively.

The danger zone?

I've been working on the birthday planning. S. has committed and so has a good friend of mine from the Kirkland area. I talked with my cousin who is south of Seattle and though she wasn't entirely sure, I'm going to say that she'll be coming too. She'd better cause she's leaving the country and I need time with her before she goes. Other than that I have another friend from this area who said she most likely will come. This is where it gets a little sticky. She dates a friend/co-worker of Kindred. She and I have hung out without the boys so I feel we have formed our own relationship so it isn't "weird" or anything. I told her to invite her friend Christine if she wants who also is associated with Kindred. On top of that I've invited Kindred's best friend's wife. I really like her and Kindred shared with me that she told him she would want to hang out with me even though Kindred and I weren't dating.

So, is this dangerous? We'll all be going out drinking at the casino. I usually end up meeting guys when I go out drinking at the casino. I just don't want any stories make their way back to Kindred which I'm sure they will because it's a small town and gossip is a favorite past time. However, one thing that will tone down the danger of flirting mixed with drinking is that my mom will be there. Of course, she'll probably leave before anyone else but that usually helps me stay in line a bit better.

I kind of make myself sound worse than I am. I don't think there's anything wrong with flirting especially since I never take it to the physical level. I guess I just don't want Kindred to have any reason to think or talk badly of me. He already doesn't like my "innocent" flirting so hearing it from others will only make his imagination run wild and cause him to think poorly of me. I know the relationship is over but I still don't want him to think of me in a negative light. I'd like it if we could stay on good terms and still respect one another. Not to mention that we both live in a small town and rumors and negativity have a way of spreading like wildfire.

Again, no use worrying. I have no idea who will actually be coming at this point and the whole point of the outing is to take advantage of the weekend birthday and have fun. I'll focus my energy in a positive manner and I'm sure everything will turn out better than I could have hoped.

27 here I come

I've decided to plan a birthday celebration for...myself haha. Normally I'm not into my birthday and I don't really like a lot of attention on me so my birthday usually consists of dinner, cake, and presents with my family. Why is this year any different? Well, a couple of reasons. The biggest reason being that it falls on a Saturday. Weekend birthdays only happen every six or seven years so it's definitely worth taking advantage of! The second reason? It's my last birthday as a single woman.

My family, bless them, already have some things planned on the day. My little sister has a track meet and is also competing in the high school talent show. I don't doubt that we'll get some birthday stuff in there also but I want to go out and celebrate. So, I've already talked to S. and she's down to hang out. I've also invited a few other girlfriends who I think would add life to the outing. I'm thinking maybe the casino or a new place in P.A. followed by a hotel party depending on who comes and how many of us.

My only concern? Everyone aside from a few of the girls don't know each other. It's unfortunate but this can be a problem sometimes when it comes to having a "girl's night". Girl's are complex creatures and when they interact either it's wonderful, or miserable. I'm going to try to focus on the previous. I think if I believe it will turn out great, it will. Hopefully my family is not disappointed with me planning my own birthday this year. Mom will probably come out with the rest of us but my dad and sister will be left to themselves.

Even though 27 brings me three years close to 30 (oy!) I'm still excited. After all, it is the year I meet my other half =-D

The point of no return

I can honestly say I feel really good about my decision with Kindred. Being with him those few times after the official break-up actually put my mind and feelings more to rest than anything. I think without that I would still being feeling anxious and having some feelings of desire for him. Being with him did feel nice but at the same time I remember thinking over and over while with him, "this isn't what I want". Now I have no questions or desire to be with him.

Remember how I talked about being worried that I would push off meeting "Him" because I was spending time with Kindred? Well, I think it may have actually done the opposite. You see, just knowing something is going to happen does not set it in stone. Each of us has the power to attract things towards us or push things away based on our thoughts, feelings, and actions. True, being with Kindred would contradict my finding my husband-to-be but now that I've done it I couldn't be more sure of my decision.

My Intuitive Life Coach told me I would be hearing from Kindred until about May at which time he would stop trying to be in my life. Now that things have happened the way they have I think it may be possible that this event has come much sooner. I have no intentions to stay in contact with Kindred at this point. I think that distance is what we need. He has not tried to contact me again since Saturday and I'm actually hoping this continues. Before I was secretly craving contact from him. This was most likely my ego needing reassurance that he still wanted me. Now that I know he did, my ego is satisfied and lined up with my thoughts, feelings, and actions.

So, if I attracted the event of Kindred halting contact, I may have also attracted meeting my husband-to-be to a sooner time as well. I'd like to think this is true. Patience...not really an easy virtue for me LOL. Of course, I'll wait as long as I have to. But, I definitely will not be going back to Kindred, for any romantic reason!