A night out with friends

Last night I met up with S. and a good friend of hers who came over from Tacoma. We all met at the casino. I recognized a large group of guys whom I had seen earlier at the golf course when I was having lunch with Kindred. I went and said "hi" to one of them, belligerently drunk by then and quickly made my escape. Later one of the guys with the group asked to buy me a drink and was gracious enough to do the same thing for S. He quickly became part of our friendly group. We had a lot of fun all of us and stayed out until 2:30 AM.

I was a little surprised that Kindred didn't make an appearance. I thought he might since he knew I was going out to the casino and given that we had the conversation yesterday leading to our separation, he might check up on me. However, if he did, I don't have any knowledge of it. I hope he decided to go out last night and that he had a fun time. I don't want any ill feelings between us. I haven't responded to the two texts I received from him yesterday and feel it is best not to at this time. I'm not playing games with him. I just need distance.

I'm drawing a blank for anything further to write. Going to bed after 3:00 AM and then getting up to go to church and spending the duration of the day running errands in town is exhausting. I'm ready to retire to the couch for the night. Buenas Noches

Back to basics

Well, it took a little longer than I thought but I'm back to not seeing Kindred. I saw him yesterday and though I had planned on cutting things off then, it didn't quite work out that way. I've always been the type of person to talk about personal things like this in person but I'm finding that doing this with Kindred is more of a challenge than anything else. We end up falling into the temptation that is "us". I don't want to go into details but after leaving him yesterday I had shared my apprehension for getting back together but had not completely told him that it wasn't happening.

I saw him again today. We spent some time together being "us" and then went to the golf course for lunch. Everything was going fine, as fine as can be suspected, when he received a text message that I did not expect. It turned out that Kindred was planning on going out this evening with some friends to a local bar. I've always been very forthcoming with everything that I feel, think, and do and appreciate others doing the same with me. Kindred knew right away that he had messed up by purposely keeping the information from me. The conversation progressed about the subject and Kindred admitted that he had been planning on dating and going out to meet people. He followed up by saying that this was not what he wanted. He wanted me to tell him not to go and to be with me. Of course, he would have done that if I had said so much.

I couldn't do that though. I don't feel that way. I told Kindred that he should go out, have fun, and date people. He doesn't owe anything to me nor I anything to him. After numerous efforts to keep me there at his house I was able to leave. Now Kindred knows for sure that things are over between us.

I feel relieved. I knew it had to come to this. Now I can get back to the important thing...my husband-to-be. August seems so far away still. And yet, I had a final session with a client the other day and I realized that she and I had been seeing each other for counseling for six months. That time seemed to fly by. Once August hits I'm sure I'll be saying the same thing about this time flying by.

I'm just so excited! I'm looking forward to ending my single-life and starting the romance that will last for the majority of my life. I'm going to treasure him and do everything I possibly can to make it a relationship that God would be proud of. Soon, soon, soon. I'm just glad I'm back on track. I faltered, but I won't again.

"D" Day

The sun is shining brightly and I'm in a pretty good mood today. After days of back and forth torment about my decision, I've reached a conclusion. I will see Kindred tomorrow. Not that I have any followers to this blog but if I did I'm sure you all would be shaking your heads and eagerly writing comments to reconsider. Can't say I disagree with you.

I'm giving into the temptation to see him but under a very specific condition. Tomorrow I will tell him that I don't want to reenter into a relationship with him. Kindred has not yet pressured me to make a decision but a text from him yesterday implied that he already assumes that we're going to be back together. He made reference to celebrating my graduation from M.S. school in June. I understand why he made this assumption given that we have been talking the way we did when we were dating. However, my feelings never changed in respect to this decision. Considering a relationship with him is out of the question for me.

The other part that I struggled with was prolonging the affair, and let's face it, that's what it would be. It's kind of like when you're dating someone you already know it isn't going to work out with but you're trying to find the right time to break up, "I can't do it now because Valentine's Day is next month, then it's my birthday, then we have plans for a trip, etc. etc. etc.". I've been doing a bit of that in my head. However, my conscience has won, which I knew it would, and I know I have to break things off now. It's for the best. I hope it isn't harder this time around for Kindred. I don't want him to hate me. I guess I'll know tomorrow...

Dazed and Confused

Not that it has to be said at all but I have been neglecting my blogging. Reason? Pathetically, it is Kindred. Argh! I know how that sounds, trust me! I have not lost sight of the reason I'm doing this or that ultimately I am focused on attracting "Him". I'm not getting back together with Kindred. Of this, I'm sure. BUT, that does not decrease the amount of temptation I'm facing or the lack of strength I have to conquer it.

I'm truly giving it some serious effort. Usually the way it works is I wake up telling myself that I cannot see him Friday. Today I even went as far as to text out my explanation. The problem then came with pressing "send". I didn't do it. I deleted everything and wrote the generic morning text. I'm even strong in the evenings sometimes. Last night I went to bed without texting him at all. I am not a fake person! I've always been very genuine and true to myself. I also do not lie. I despise lying! I'm acting out of character and it's causing me to exprerience turmoil.

The Intuitive Life Coach told me back in September at my first reading that being with Kindred would feel like bliss. She couldn't have been more right. That is what I'm struggling with. If you were offered a moment of bliss in your stressful day, no...your stressful LIFE, would you take it? I just want to feel it again. I feel good when I'm with him and that's what's so hard to let go of. In fact, it's the same thing I struggled with when I broke up with him initially. The connection, the chemistry, the ease, is in a word, blissful. I really can't explain it any better than that.

I know what I have to do. I have to tell him that I have no intention of reentering into a relationship with him. I just find myself convincing myself that I could do it "next time". I consider myself to be a pretty decisive person. Never in my entire life have I felt so completely torn between what I know I will do and the temptation of prolonging it for a few more moments of bliss. Temptation really is a weird thing. I feel like I've never faced it with such force before.

Regardless, I will meet my husband-to-be in August just like what was foreseen. I truly believe this and that alone holds my confidence that it will happen. The stupid part is I feel like I'm cheating on him if I do spend time with Kindred. I will tell Kindred. I have to!

An insightful sermon

The sermon in church today seemed to be directed right at me. It was all about temptation and how it plays a role in our lives. The pastor claimed that God does not give us temptation as a way to test us but I am not so sure I agree with this notion. Why create temptation if not to tempt? God put the Tree of Good and Evil in the Garden of Eden to test Adam and Eve and their loyalty to Him.

My temptation? Kindred. I'm suppose to see him again this Friday since he and I both have the day off. I told him through text that all I know right now is it feels really good to spend time with him but that I'm not ready to make it a sure thing. I added that if he doesn't want to see me until I figure out my feelings, that I would understand. However, he did the opposite. He told me that he appreciates my honesty and that enjoying my company is enough for him right now. It made me happy at the time because I was looking forward to spending time with him. Now...it's just more difficult.

After hearing the sermon today I decided that I could not go over there Friday. I'm being tempted. I already know that I don't want to be in a relationship with Kindred. Right now I'm just tempted by the way I feel when I'm with him. I can't lie to myself, I really enjoy cuddling up with him and kissing him is very passionate. He compliments me all the time and tells me how he feels about me. All these things are things I crave and deeply appreciate which is what makes it so tempting.

So, as I left church I was dead set that I would not be seeing Kindred this Friday. Now, I'm not so sure. *Sigh* I really don't know what I'm doing!!! I wish I'd never put myself in this situation to begin with.

After church we went to the store and Kindred was working. I walked with my parents until we saw him. I came up behind him and said, "hey stranger". When he turned around I could see how happy he was to see me. Then he realized my parents were there and he knew he couldn't let on what has been going on between us. All in all, things went pretty well.

I want to talk to my mom about everything but I haven't. Mostly because I don't know what I'm going to do. My greatest concern as I've mentioned before is that I will alter my meeting my husband-to-be in August. I really want to fight this temptation! I know I should and yet I'm not confident that I will. In so many ways I have incredible self-control. This time, for a reason unknown to me I find myself incredibly weak.

I will be so proud of myself if I resist this temptation.

We need to talk...

Every man's worst nightmare to hear those words, "We need to talk". Well, that's what I proposed to Kindred this morning. Since Wednesday I have been receiving texts from him that are like we are dating again. I've been really confused. I finally asked him (via text) this morning what all this means to him. His reply, "I still care about you. I would love to have u in my life". Now I know what he's hoping the make-out session Wednesday means. He wants to get back together.

I can't deny that it's somewhat tempting. There are lots of things I miss about him and being lonely is never appealing. BUT, and that's a huge BUT, I know he's not the one for me. I don't want to get back together. That would just prolong going through a break-up again later and I take the risk of changing the sands of time by pushing my husband-to-be away. I need to keep my heart, mind, and soul focused in the right direction.

Finding "Him" means more than anything to me! I refuse to do anything to jeopardize that. It won't be an easy conversation to have with Kindred but it's something I know I have to do. I just hope it doesn't create any kind of animosity between us.

Guilt

I feel guilty. It's stupid really. I haven't done anything really "wrong". So, it's Wednesday. Kindred came over to bring me the frame. I was really nervous all day knowing I was going to see him. Everything started out fine. My dog was super excited to see him and visa versa. They spent some time together and Kindred gave me a hug. After putting the picture in the frame we had small talk. Kindred drank a glass of water and we both sat on the couch discussing what we've been up to lately.

After a few lull silences he said he should be going. There was an awkward moment where we looked at each other a little too long. You know when eye contact become uncomfortable? Well, it went a few seconds past that. It happened a few more times and I asked him what he was thinking. That's when things got really complicated. He stood up, came over to me and planted one on me right on the mouth. I have to admit, it was really, really nice. He and I have always had incredible chemistry and passion for one another.

Well, things snowballed from here. We're kissing, and hugging, and telling each other how we've missed the other. We talked about how we've both been being stubborn with not texting one another and how we both have been involved in a power struggle with the other. It was as if all the things over the past few weeks were spewed out instantly all because he kissed me. Everything had been bottled up and we blew the cork out and released all the pressure.

It really was quite strange how quickly we fell back into being "us". The next thing I know it's as though we never broke up at all. This is where I got extremely confused and I said so to him.

I feel really guilty about doing it. My sights are set on my husband-to-be and here I am kissing my ex-boyfriend. Argh! I was weak and gave into temptation. I don't want to be with Kindred. There are things I miss definitely and it felt really nice to be held by him again but I know he is not the one for me nor I for him.

Now I just don't know what to do about it all. To be honest, I wish it hadn't happened altogether. However, I am proud of myself that it didn't go past kissing. I know Kindred wanted more but I stuck by my guns on that one.

I cannot deny that I have feelings for Kindred. I care about him deeply. There are so many things I miss, so many things that I could easily go back to. Being with Kindred is easy as long as he doesn't get upset.

I just want August to hurry up and get here! I want my love to be directed toward the correct person. I just wish I knew where he is.

V-day Cont...

Yesterday really turned out to be a great day with the girls. I can't even tell you the last time I've spent time with girlfriends like that. I forgot what it's like to really hang out with friends. I was so happy that S. and S. (I know it's confusing but both their names start with "S") got along so well. We all had a great dinner together and shared a bottle of champagne. We were planning on going to a movie after dinner but got so involved in conversation that the time flew by. Needless to say, we missed the movie. So, we decided to head back into town to play some pool. The establishment was pretty much dead aside from a couple of creepy guys who took notice of us and attempted to recruit us into playing doubles in a game of pool with them.

We ended up playing one game by ourselves, doing the best we could to avoid the creeps and then returned to the house I was sitting. We sat up all night drinking, and talking. For the second night in a row my head didn't hit a pillow until after 3:30 AM. The sleep deprivation was worth the experiences we shared though. It really was a terrific Valentine's Day. I mentioned before that my last "stag" Valentine's Day was worth celebrating. Well, I feel that was accomplished and I wouldn't have wanted to celebrate with anyone else. It was perfect!

I did hear from Kindred yesterday. He told me that he wants to bring me the frame he made for me. It matches another one which is already hanging in my office. He had told me on the "Brief Encounter" that he was still making it for me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he would bring it to me. So, Wednesday after work he is bringing it out to my house. But, that's not all we talked about.

He mentioned that he received my email with the video link. He wasn't able to watch the video because there weren't any speakers but he told me he planned to do so. Then he said something kind of random, "I hope I didn't upset you." I was confused and he said that he meant through texting. I admitted that my feelings were hurt the other day but that I was fine now. I don't want to write everything that was said but he really opened up and told me how he wishes things had been different between us and that he loves me. It's pretty confusing considering he didn't want to tell me he missed me just a week ago because he didn't want it going to my head and now he's telling me he loves me?!

What I think is that he felt guilty after receiving my email. I had sent it quite awhile ago and he knew he hadn't been that nice to me between when I sent it and the present. There is so much to analyze with him and so many, many games! I really don't know how Wednesday will go but in my heart of hearts I truly believe it would be best to sever all contact. It's very difficult for me to focus on meeting my husband-to-be with Kindred throwing out so many mixed signals. Hmmm, I guess I'll know more come Wednesday.

Faced with a tempting offer

So, today is the day. It's Valentine's Day and though I do not have an official ''valentine", I'm so grateful that my good girlfriend came over to be with me this weekend. We woke up incredibly sleep deprived and in need of some hearty food. I took her to the restaurant at the golf course for breakfast. I'm yet to be disappointed with their food and this time was no exception. We enjoyed a filling breakfast and two mimosas each to jump start our engines for the day. Then we made a trip to the store to buy the necessary items for the movie we're going to tonight with S. Of course, Kindred was working. I was extremely anxious. This was my first time into the store with Kindred working since the break-up. Fortunately enough we avoided contact completely. In fact, I didn't even see him. That's not to say however that he didn't see us. It was shortly after 12:00 and my gut told me he was up in the break room for lunch. The windows to the break room offer a bird's-eye-view over the check out stands. I resisted the urge to look up into the mirrored windows. Though, I did see a friend of Kindred's who also works there and we exchanged greetings. So, either way he'll know that I was there. I felt better once I stepped foot outside of the store and even better that I looked cute in case he did catch a glimpse.

Anyway, that is not what this post has to do with ... last night my good friend drove in from the other side of the water and met S. and me at the casino for drinks and fun. Shortly after she arrived we were confronted by a young handsome guy who invited us to join his table. We decided it was safe and sat down with the young man and his friend. He was such a gentleman buying drinks all around aside from himself because he chooses not to drink alcohol.

We had so much fun talking, dancing, and getting to know quite a few new people. One of the highlights of the night was a 93 year old drinking and smoking woman who didn't look a day over 60 shaking her money-maker (quite literally given that she was a Las Vegas stripper for 30 years) and swearing profusely. We got an eye-full of what she had to offer more than once along with a 50 year old woman in a short red dress, black sheer nylons, and canary yellow pumps who flashed us her 34 DDDs numerous times during her short sit at our table. Needless to say, we were surrounded by entertainment everywhere we turned.

The young man who originally approached us seemed to take a liking to me and I have to admit that I was impressed with his demeanor, morals, nature, and the fact that we were the first girls he'd ever approached in a public setting. We talked most of the evening. When 1:00 hit and we decided to head out, I could tell he wanted to continue our visit. The girls and I were tired and started heading for the door which led to our cars. The young man was walking with us, trying to find the right time to ask for my number when he was stopped by a friend he hadn't seen in a long time and was occupied until we had left the building.

I have to admit that it was tempting to make a connection with him even though I know he isn't "Him". Maybe it had something to do with Valentine's Day, or maybe just downright, raw loneliness. Regardless, it was a fine, innocent evening which ended with us going our separate ways.

I truly want to wait for "Him". I don't want to waste my time, energy, and emotions investing in someone I already know isn't "The One". On the other hand, it felt really good to know I was found attractive by a young, good-looking man who wasn't looking for cheap fun or a romp in the sac. At least my energy is being directed toward the right type of men.

I sure wonder what "He" is doing today. Wouldn't it be something if he was thinking about me the same way I am about "Him"? Hmm, where are you? I'm so excited for us to meet! I know we haven't officially met yet and don't really know each other but I just have to say ... Happy Valentine's Day to you, the man who changes my life for all time. XOXO

Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is the most romantic day of the year and the day that no one wants to be single. I received a text from a good friend today. We've been friends since high school. Actually, I used to have the biggest crush on him. I liked him for about a year and a half but he had a girlfriend he was happy with. Once they broke up, our friends decided for us that we were dating but it didn't last very long. Though a great guy, I suppose I was more in love with the chase than the actual romance we could have.

Sometimes it's funny how these things work out. Once I broke it off with him, he fell hard for me. He still has a longing for me that has carried through the years. We have an understanding that we're just friends and I've been careful not to lead him on. Anyway, I received a text from him today asking if I think eHarmony really works. He has been feeling depressed because Valentine's Day is tomorrow and he doesn't have a special someone to share it with. I think this is common for most single people.

I guess I've always been a little different from everyone else but I'm actually surprised that I'm not really that depressed for Valentine's Day. This is the first Valentine's Day that I've been single in ... gosh, it has to have been ... hold on, let me count ... Seven years with my Longest Love and then one and a half with the First Love ... it's been about nine years since I've been single on Valentine's Day. Wait, no, I take that back. Last year I had been broken up with my Longest Love for one month when Valentine's Day hit. I'm sure it had more of an impact that year.

Regardless, I'm feeling pretty good given the situation. I think that having insight into my future blossoming romance in a few months helps me a great deal with my patience. I can stand a stag Valentine's Day now because I know it will be the last time I'll ever have it for as long as I live. That actually makes it worth celebrating, don't you think?

A good friend of mine is coming over to spend the weekend with me. Neither of us have Valentine's so we've decided to spend it together and celebrate our independence. This could very well be the best Valentine's Day to date ;-D

Following a dream

So, I've been in school pretty much my entire life. I'm looking forward to graduating with my M.S. degree in just four short months. I really love psychology, I do. But, I'm starting to think that I may be destined to follow a different path. I know this happens to so many people. They go to college, spend a small fortune and earn their degree and then turn around and do nothing with it. I've always questioned those people and honestly never really understood how they could spend so much time, money, and effort on something they end up not using at all.

I've set a goal to have a private practice someday and I still believe that to be true. Whether that be in an office setting or through online counseling, I'm not really sure right now. However, what I would really, REALLY love to do...write. I truly believe I have been blessed with words and how to form them into meaning that tells a story. I think I could be a successful writer if I set my mind and heart to it.

I do have the beginning of a novel that I started some months ago. When I met Kindred, my story went on the back-burner. I have recently taken interest in it again and enjoy thinking of story lines. My Intuitive Life Coach told me that I would complete my book. She said it would take longer than I anticipated and that I would struggle some to get it published but that I would reach that goal. BUT, it is important to mention that she also said I have the ability to change this. If I want, I can put my mind to it now, look into publishing companies now and begin my journey early on so as to lessen the struggle later and in the end, combat the issue altogether. That's the wonderful thing about psychic insight...it is a guide but not set in stone. I can still decide to make a change to the things I am told.

As far as meeting my husband in August, the only thing I can fathom changing about that is hoping it to happen earlier. But, I'm doing what I can to draw him closer to me by thinking about him and the life we will soon have surrounded by positive energy. As for my book, I can do the very same. I really have some wonderful ideas for my story.

I've already decided who to dedicate it to. My late paternal grandmother loved writing. She was always writing poems and we would make up stories together. She passed when I was twelve years old. Many times I wish so much that I could have her present in my life now; what an extreme impact it would have on me! Anyway, my first book will naturally be dedicated in her honor. I believe my writing ability was gifted to me from God and then supported and nurtured through the talent which my grandmother shared with me. I know it will make her proud, even if she is no longer on Earth with me. I know she watches over me.

I love you Grandma!

Staying busy helps

I found out yesterday that I've been asked to do another housesitting job for a week in March over spring break. I'm grateful that my calendar is filling up with responsibilities because it helps keep my mind off of everything else. It's not so much the break-up anymore but how long until August that occupies my thoughts.

Let's see...I housesit this weekend, a week in March, two weeks in April followed by a weekend trip to Vegas with S. then I graduate in June, housesit over Independence weekend in July, and then August is just around the corner!

Hopefully I can fill in some of the gaps to make it go by even faster! I like thinking of things this way though. It's important for me to have things to look forward to when I'm focused on a certain amount of time passing (i.e. 6 months).

On another note, I heard from a good friend of mine in Hawaii today that one of my ex-boyfriends (no one real significant except that I was with him when I got my dog) sent her a friend request on Facebook. I went to his page and looked at his pictures. I could not believe it but he has pictures of me on there! Why in the world would he want pictures of me on his page? If I could erase them, I would. On the other hand, I was able to get some pictures of my dog which I didn't have so I was grateful for that. This ex is one of the few that I have chose not to stay in contact with or even on cordial terms. I want nothing to do with him and he knows it, reciprocates it even so that's why I'm so confused. Oh well, no use stressing over the small things.

To quote Nicholas Sparks...

I just finished reading "The Lucky One" by Nicholas Sparks. There's one part in the book that when I read it I related. I know this is how I will feel when I meet "Him".

"He was the kind of person who couldn't hold anger for more than a few minutes, because it just wasn't in him. It could never grow into resentment or bitterness, and I knew then that he was the kind of man who would be married forever. And I decided then and there that I should be the one to marry him. ... When a man is that special, you know it sooner than you think possible. You recognize it instinctively, and you're certain that no matter what happens, there will never be another one like him. I knew within a few days that he was the one for me."

Sparks, N. (2008). The Lucky One. New York, Grand Central Publishing.

Self reflection

Well let's see, how am I doing? Everything really seems to be getting easier with each passing day. I still find myself thinking a lot about Kindred but it isn't nearly as much as it was. On the contrary, I find myself daydreaming a lot about my husband-to-be. The Intuitive Life Coach (the psychic I mentioned) told me that I should practice writing about the life I will have with "Him" as a way to draw him toward me. I've done a little of this but mostly everything is scribed in my mind.

My anxiety level is the lowest since the break-up though I get a slight tinge from time to time when I think of Kindred. Even so, I'm grateful that I decided to enter into the relationship. I believe that every romantic relationship is a learning experience but this one I was most grateful for because it has completely altered my perception of my role in a relationship. I suppose that subconsciously I was aware that I was trying to change my past boyfriends. My longest love especially put up with a lot of me griping about things he was doing wrong and things he needed to change in order for me to be happy (remember the video? it still sounds ridiculous saying it now. I cannot believe I was so selfish as to put my happiness as an expectation on someone else). With Kindred I didn't do a lot of this. Granted, we only dated for four months but I think the main reason was that he was doing enough of it on his end.

Kindred would get upset with something that I did and then refuse to compromise with me. It was his way or the highway and I was the one who needed to do all the changing. He didn't like me the way I was and I found myself in arguments due to things that I really didn't feel I needed to change about myself. The bottom line, it didn't feel good! It made me feel bad about myself that I wasn't accepted and that Kindred didn't like these things about me. I found myself entertaining the idea of change just because I wanted to steer away from arguments and find harmony in the relationship. I am grateful to Kindred for showing me this side of the fence. Now, knowing what it feels like to be with someone who is constantly trying to change me, I will not again do this to another.

I will accept my husband-to-be and all the bad habits that come with him. True acceptance is the only way to truly offer unconditional love. I believe that unconditional love is something vacant from most romantic relationships and marriages. Really, how many couples do you know that would stay together if they were cheated on by their partner? Granted, it is the extreme scenario but it is still a "condition". We set these expectations and conditions and if they are broken by the other person it leads to a loss of the relationship.

Great examples of unconditional love is that between a parent and a child. For the most part, most parents completely love their children despite any bad they may do. It is such a strong love that they can oversee negative behaviors and continue to love them wholeheartedly.

I want this kind of love for my marriage. It is so rare and yet I think the absolute most rewarding. Some may look at this as a free pass to cheat but I don't think it works that way. If you can truly give your spouse unconditional love, the bond that creates is so strong, comforting, and secure that your spouse would never dream of cheating on you. I believe it is out of insecurity that people commit this injustice unto those they "love".

Unconditional love = true love = true happiness = complete harmony = the ideal marriage

Romanticizing the relationship

Yesterday I went with my parents to the place where Kindred works. I already knew that he wouldn't be there so I felt comfortable going in with them. However, just being there gives me a degree of anxiety. I've been struggling since the break-up with letting go of the good things, which I've mentioned before. I find myself often thinking about the things I miss about Kindred or the things we used to do together. When I notice myself doing this I always counter it with the reasons I broke it off and that seems to cancel things out well. Just the same, I crave hearing from him. I'm not really sure what this is but I know it's common after a break-up to want the other person to still contact you.

Two days ago I wrote how Kindred had finally contacted me after almost a week of nothing. Well, yesterday I sent him a text informing him that my dog is sick. He had mentioned in his text Saturday that he really misses my pup so I wanted him to know what has been going on. Kindred said that he woke up yesterday morning thinking of my dog. When I asked what he was thinking of he said he was remembering him up on the bed (a rare occurrence) with his head resting on the pillow. Then he stated, "I miss him and you too". It was the "and you too" that stung a bit. I sent a reply, "Thank you for saying that even if I was an afterthought to my dog. I miss you too." His reply was groundbreaking for me. He told me that I wasn't an "afterthought" but that he didn't want it going to my head and then followed it up with a taunting "lol".

It was such a jerk thing to say. For weeks I have been battling with my heart and he makes mention of me ego! Though it upset me to read that, I'm actually quite grateful. It just confirmed for me the reason I knew it would never work out. Kindred has a lot of qualities but at the same time, he can be one hell of an ass. I'd seen it directed toward others but usually when it came to me he was overly complimentary. Of course, that wasn't real, it was part of the controlling nature that is Kindred.

17 out of the 20 signs of a controller fit Kindred in one way or another on this website
http://www.homestudycredit.com/courses/contentCR/secCR16.html

2. Quick Attachment and Expression: The Controller has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to a Controller is how quickly he or she says, “I Love You,” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point - it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship, because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause a Controller to detach from you as quickly as they committed. A Controller typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
Kindred and I were saying "I love you" after just three days. He told me he was going to marry me almost right from the beginning of our relationships. Then he did have rapid detach as soon as I did something that upset him, he was quick to end the relationship. Kindred and I dated 4 months and the entire time he was trying to get me to move in with him.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence: A Controller repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard,” unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly, as though you deserved it. In public, you will be “walking on eggshells” always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
This one doesn't fit him to a "T" because he was always uplifting me and my self-esteem. However, the last sentence fits perfectly. I was always worried about doing something that would make him upset. This caused me to be in a constant state of anxiety.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle: A Controller cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow a Controller to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. A Controller often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.
This one was huge! Kindred truly was the sweetest, most attentive guy I had ever been with until...he got upset with something. I never did anything to make him as upset as he got with me. I've never been one to grovel in an argument. I usually stick by my guns because I don't get upset at things unless there's a reason. Well, I did quite a bit of groveling with Kindred just to end the fights. He'd have me in tears and apologizing for things I didn't even believe I had been wrong about. Kindred also would get extremely upset with me about something and then he'd apologize out of the blue and want to kiss and make up when I didn't feel any resolution had been reached. It made for a very confusing situations.

7. It’s Always Your Fault: A Controller blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly, it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the male Controller drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. A Controller tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. A Controller never, repeat “never,” takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them, it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not him) as they didn’t use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
I was always at fault for Kindred's anger. He even once got upset because I didn't compliment him as much as he did me. His anger was always justified and mine wasn't. He'd make comments about me always having to get my way (which I realize now was true for the most part) but he was doing the same thing. I must say though, he never yelled at me or physically abused me.

8. Breakup Panic: A Controller panics at the idea of breaking up, unless it’s totally their idea, then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female Controllers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area, as though you will be responsible for those decisions. A Controller offers a multitude of “deals” and halfway measures, like “Let’s just date one more month!” They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative Controllers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male Controller technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female Controller technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner), and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back, you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of Controller - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.
On numerous occasions Kindred was ready to drop me "like a hot rock" like mentioned above. I felt completely disposable which in the end was why I knew our relationship couldn't last. That is the only part of this one that really fits though. Given that I never threatened to break up with him beside the day I actually did it, I don't really know how he would have reacted. Since we have broken up he hasn't pleaded with me at all to take him back. He's much to arrogant for that.

9. No Outside Interests: A Controller will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.
Kindred didn't really encourage me to drop hobbies but he did insist on going with me. He also wanted me with him anytime he had somewhere to go.

10. Paranoid Control: A Controller will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some Controllers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech Controllers may encourage you to make “private” calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night, a Controller will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows Controller to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.
Kindred didn't really hound me much but given that I was with him most of the time anyway, it's hard to know if this would have been a factor in the future. He DID however have a major issue with me talking to members of the opposite sex even if it was someone I had been talking to for years and years. This was actually one of the last arguments we had and one I never was able to accept. He didn't tell me what to wear but did a little of controlling my behavior in public. He did refuse me to go to certain places and wasn't fond of one of my best friends and family members.

11. Public Embarrassment: In an effort to keep you under control while in public, Controller will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with Controller too long, you’ll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You’ll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in Controller.
This didn't happen a lot though Kindred liked to often make out with me in public as a way of showing possession. He always was grabbing me toward him and kissing me deeply. Something I didn't feel was really a problem but it was very different from anything I had ever experienced and I guess I was happy he wanted to show me off. Although, one time he did embarrass me in front of two of his friends when we went to their house for dinner. We got into an argument about this because I didn't like how he talked to me in front of them.

12. It’s Never Enough: A Controller convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say “I love you” enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
This one again doesn't fit very well. The only part was that Kindred felt I didn't compliment him enough in comparison to what he did for me.

13. Entitlement: A Controller has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, Controller feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
This example is quite fitting given that Kindred often would brake rules of the road. This example is way more extreme than I experienced with Kindred however.

14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him: As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what a Controller is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. A Controller will tell you they are jealous of the “special love” you have, and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them, eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. A Controller will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to, even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.
Both of my parents really liked Kindred. My sister on the other hand, not so much. Actually, she had a hand in hooking us up initially but shortly after getting to know him a bit she was more than wary. After hearing some rumors about him she didn't want me with him at all. Another friend/family member also didn't like him. I must mention though that my mom gave me a hard time for spending so much time with him so that goes to show that she noticed some aspect of the control.

15. Bad Stories: People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. A Controller tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and, in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts, because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the “I don’t take nothing from nobody” attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way.
At first my family and I heard nothing but good things about Kindred. Then my sister was told some stories about Kindred's past relationships and this is where confusion set in. I didn't believe the stories and discussed it with Kindred who denied the accusations. I still don't really know the truth though.

16. The Waitress Test: It’s been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time a Controller has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap, you’ll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment, that’s how they’ll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt, hit the road.
Kindred had no problem ordering wait staff around wherever we went. There was one waitress in particular that he told me about. He explained how he had spoken down to her. I remember thinking that it was mean of him but since I hadn't experienced it firsthand I didn't pay it much mind.

17. The Reputation: As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. A Controller may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit - you clearly understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there. A Controller may actually brag about their reputation as a “butt kicker," “womanizer," “hot temper,” or “being crazy.” They may tell you stories where other’s have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, a Controller will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with Controllers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of a Controller, it’s because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
As mentioned before, I heard very nice things about Kindred until my sister's report. This was the only account of negative reputation that I was aware of.

18. Walking on Eggshells: As a relationship with a Controller continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself “walking on eggshells” in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of a Controller. Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you’ll have to explain later), and fearful that you’ll see someone you’ll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone, exactly what a Controller wants, no interference with their control or dominance.
I was constantly worrying about upsetting Kindred. At first I told him everything. I've always been a bit of an open book and want to share everything with my significant other. Once I learned the hard way that things I said upset him, I started withholding information just to stay on his good side. I was constantly on edge and found myself resisting things that I knew were innocent just because I was afraid Kindred would get mad about it. Kindred always wanted us to be alone and often said he was happy when others would leave so we could be together just the two of us.

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions: A Controller is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. A Controller has no interest in your opinion or your feelings, but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. A Controller is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
My point of view or opinions were always viewed as less than his own. If I dared to criticise him it was turned around on me. Kindred would tell me how I would react to something, or how I would think about something. You remember the post where I talked about him telling me I wasn't ready for a long-term relationship? He often made the comment that he knew what I needed more than I did.

20. They Make You “Crazy”: A Controller operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing “crazy” things in self-defense. If a Controller is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm, you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female Controllers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are “going crazy,” it’s important to remember that there is no such thing as “normal behavior” in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from a Controller before permanent psychological damage is done.
I found myself deleting texts from girlfriends because I was afraid they would draw questions even when the conversations where completely innocent. I often would have to tell my family members, "Don't tell Kindred that" because the information (again, innocent) would give him reason to be upset and fight with me. I didn't see it then but my behaviors really were very different while I was with Kindred. I can't believe how much alcohol I drank with him! Last night I had two glasses of wine with my mom and was fine. The other night I went out with a girlfriend and again had two drinks in a five hour period. While with Kindred I regularly finished an entire bottle of wine to myself in an evening. In fact, I didn't like it when we didn't drink. I'm not sure exactly what this means but I know it's self destructive and gave him control over my thinking and my body.

"Almost" doesn't count

Right when I really think I'm getting a handle on my feelings and moving on, Kindred pops back up. Today was six days since "the brief encounter" and I hadn't heard a word from Kindred. Neither of us had contacted each other. I knew it was only a matter of time before I heard from him again but I was starting to get used to having no contact. It was actually helping me. Now I feel a pit in my stomach again. It's really rather stupid. I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I know that breaking up with him was the right decision, I really do. It's just so easy to remember the good things. I really miss the good things. *sigh*

I feel in conflict with myself. My heart is torn in two separate directions. It's always easier to be with someone while waiting for "The One". BUT, I don't think it's fair to "Him". It's funny cause I don't even know the name of my husband-to-be and yet I feel committed to him. I want to save myself for him and that means no dating anyone new...or old. I know that when I do finally find him I'll be glad that I did this. Especially since there's a good chance that he will someday read all of this. It's important for me that he know that I'm committed to the love we share and respect it enough to wait these long six months. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy and maybe that's a good thing. That just goes to show how devoted I truly am. I will go through torturous times because I know that our relationship is going to be the one that I've been waiting for my entire life. I've already been waiting 26 years. What's another 6 months?

Interview

I just got home from a job interview. The position was an office clerk for the Port Ludlow Fire and Rescue. Okay, be honest what was your first thought? Was it "hot firefighters"? Yeah, me too lol. No, it would have been a good job. It only required less than 20 hours a week and it's only 30 minutes from both my house and my internship site. I know I was well-qualified because of my time at Transpo and other jobs where I've done administrative work. BUT, to be completely honest, when I was getting ready to leave for the interview I wasn't that nervous. Usually you get really nervous when you're about to interview for a job that you really want.

It's not that I didn't want it but I was taking the view of, if it's meant to be, it will be. I also thought of others who probably applied for it. I'm sure there is some person out there in a worse situation than mine who really needs this job. If that is the case, I really hope that person gets it.

You know how you get a feeling after an interview whether or not they liked you or are seriously considering you for the job? Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not the girl for this job. They require a great deal of flexibility in the position. Meaning that there would not be set hours and more or less hours could be given depending on need. I explained that I have flexibility in my schedule because I can schedule clients when I want to see them but I don't think this was enough. I would need at least two weeks notice before I could schedule any clients and the fire chief couldn't commit to this.

I'm not that broken up about it. It would have been a good job and I can't deny that being surrounded by firemen wasn't appealing to me, but my internship is my first priority. I'm so close to finishing I'm not going to stumble at the finish line. I just hope that whoever does get the job is young enough to appreciate the "view" and capitalize on the..."opportunity".

To share, or not to share...that IS the question

So, I've been blogging for a little while now. Each time I write a new post I consider sharing the blog with friends and family. I still can't make up my mind. I have considered posting it on Facebook but I'm afraid that Kindred will see it. It's not that I feel I have anything to hid per se but I think some of the things I've written could be hurtful to him. So, I could delete him from my Facebook so he can't see it, right? But then he'll see that I deleted him and THAT will hurt or make him upset, whatever. I just don't know.

I guess for now, I just don't share. If the time comes where I decide to do differently, I can. The blog is for me anyway and I'm finding benefit in it regardless of who else reads it. Sharing also opens up opportunity for criticism which I don't think I could handle right now. On the other hand, it opens up the opportunity for support also.

:-b::: It's not worth stressing over.

Until next time...

The gift of an open mind

I'm finding more and more that I have truly been blessed. It seems that everywhere I turn there are people with contradicting views. The term "open mind" is thrown around quite a bit but I believe that very few actually experience what it is like to truly be of an open mind. Now, I'm not claiming to have enlightenment. Far from it! However, I have potential to reach a true open mind. I find that with many things, most things really I am more open than others. It usually puts me in a strange position because one of the downsides of seeing the "other view" is that it can create argument.

With my family for instance, my parents are republican. Currently they are against free health care for the nation because they see it as something else those on welfare do not deserve, and at their own dollar nonetheless. My parents, like many others of conservative views want the money they earn and don't want to give it to those who are working the system. Can't blame them, at all. We all want to receive that which we deserve. However, are all those in need of health care reform working the system? No. There are some genuine, hard-working people who find themselves in need of help. Is it fair for them to suffer along with the rest or should we extend a hand of help entertaining the fact that they represent a situation that any one of us could find ourselves in?

I don't have the answer and the answer is beside the point. The point is, I can see both sides of the coin. I agree that people should get to keep the money they earn. On the other hand, I believe that as humans we have a responsibility to help others especially when our own needs are met.

This is an example of a conversation I had with my dad recently. Usually when discussing matters of great controversy I will argue the opposing side as a way to expand understanding for the other person and myself alike. If I agreed with everything someone says, there is no challenge to understand humankind better and become better people. True, it causes conflict and sometimes the arguments get heated. The truth of the matter is, I don't really take a side either way. If health care reform is not accepted, so be it. If it is, I will pay along with all other eligible Americans.

The bottom line always leads back to the self. Politics and religion they say are the two most controversial conversations. The reason being...people want to be "right". The only way we can come together to find world peace is if we come together as one and stop thinking selfishly and start thinking how we can make others happy. The reason people don't do this is out of fear. Fear of regret, fear of poverty, fear, fear, fear. It's difficult for people to accept that if they did this for others, they too would find that their needs would be met.

Okay, I'm rambling. Sometimes I feel like what I'm really trying to say is in my head but I just can't seem to state it the way I want to. I'm not living up to my own standards with what I believe in but I'm trying to get there. I really feel that I've tapped into something HUGE. Something greater than we can comprehend. I just have to keep searching for understanding, and start practicing that which I believe to be the solution to all of humankind's problems. Hopefully others will do the same in time.

A brief encounter

I'm upset with myself for not writing yesterday. It completely slipped my mind. Oh well, no point in being upset about something in the past I cannot change. But, speaking of the past...yesterday I saw Kindred.

We hadn't spoken for a few days and yesterday morning I sent him a text because the kitten I was pet sitting reminded me of Kindred's two cats. That's pretty much all the text said was, "Hey, just thinking about you and the kitties. The kitten I'm pet sitting is super cute and playful; you would like her." The response I received (hours later because my phone was dying) had nothing to do with what I had said. Kindred informed me that he had found my dog's ball thrower and that it would be in the toolbox in the back of his truck if I wanted to stop by sometime while his truck was at work and grab it. I sent a response letting him know I was happy he found it because I had no idea where it was and then said I wouldn't be able to come by that day because I had to housesit until after he would already be off work. And then I thanked him.

I went back to cleaning the house, vacuuming and such. When I checked my phone again Kindred had called me. I called him back and heard his voice for the first time since the night of the break up. Kindred told me he had called to suggest stopping by and dropping it off but that he was already home now. I offered to swing by and grab it on my way out of town. Once he knew how close I was, he decided to drive down and bring it to me.

I was really nervous knowing I was going to see him. Mind you, this was the longest we had ever gone without seeing one another since our first date in September. He arrived and hugged me which was nice. He came in, sat down and we chatted for a bit. It was nice, not too awkward. His entire stay was probably about a half hour. We hugged goodbye and I told him that I miss him. He returned the feeling. When we pulled out of the hug I got the feeling that more "contact" was on his mind but I can't be sure.

All in all it was a good encounter. It was a little strange to be around him and not be able to be "us" but maybe that was exactly what we needed. I do miss him, all the time. He really has so many qualities and attributes which I desire and respect in a mate. I'm glad we've been able to stay on good terms. That's always my goal. I believe that when two people share something as intimate and special as a romantic relationship, it's worth preserving the good times and ending things on as positive a note as possible. To be honest, I didn't think Kindred would be the type of person to remain "friends" and maybe he still can't. Only time will tell. For now I just appreciate his effort.