Guilt

I feel guilty. It's stupid really. I haven't done anything really "wrong". So, it's Wednesday. Kindred came over to bring me the frame. I was really nervous all day knowing I was going to see him. Everything started out fine. My dog was super excited to see him and visa versa. They spent some time together and Kindred gave me a hug. After putting the picture in the frame we had small talk. Kindred drank a glass of water and we both sat on the couch discussing what we've been up to lately.

After a few lull silences he said he should be going. There was an awkward moment where we looked at each other a little too long. You know when eye contact become uncomfortable? Well, it went a few seconds past that. It happened a few more times and I asked him what he was thinking. That's when things got really complicated. He stood up, came over to me and planted one on me right on the mouth. I have to admit, it was really, really nice. He and I have always had incredible chemistry and passion for one another.

Well, things snowballed from here. We're kissing, and hugging, and telling each other how we've missed the other. We talked about how we've both been being stubborn with not texting one another and how we both have been involved in a power struggle with the other. It was as if all the things over the past few weeks were spewed out instantly all because he kissed me. Everything had been bottled up and we blew the cork out and released all the pressure.

It really was quite strange how quickly we fell back into being "us". The next thing I know it's as though we never broke up at all. This is where I got extremely confused and I said so to him.

I feel really guilty about doing it. My sights are set on my husband-to-be and here I am kissing my ex-boyfriend. Argh! I was weak and gave into temptation. I don't want to be with Kindred. There are things I miss definitely and it felt really nice to be held by him again but I know he is not the one for me nor I for him.

Now I just don't know what to do about it all. To be honest, I wish it hadn't happened altogether. However, I am proud of myself that it didn't go past kissing. I know Kindred wanted more but I stuck by my guns on that one.

I cannot deny that I have feelings for Kindred. I care about him deeply. There are so many things I miss, so many things that I could easily go back to. Being with Kindred is easy as long as he doesn't get upset.

I just want August to hurry up and get here! I want my love to be directed toward the correct person. I just wish I knew where he is.