Romanticizing the relationship

Yesterday I went with my parents to the place where Kindred works. I already knew that he wouldn't be there so I felt comfortable going in with them. However, just being there gives me a degree of anxiety. I've been struggling since the break-up with letting go of the good things, which I've mentioned before. I find myself often thinking about the things I miss about Kindred or the things we used to do together. When I notice myself doing this I always counter it with the reasons I broke it off and that seems to cancel things out well. Just the same, I crave hearing from him. I'm not really sure what this is but I know it's common after a break-up to want the other person to still contact you.

Two days ago I wrote how Kindred had finally contacted me after almost a week of nothing. Well, yesterday I sent him a text informing him that my dog is sick. He had mentioned in his text Saturday that he really misses my pup so I wanted him to know what has been going on. Kindred said that he woke up yesterday morning thinking of my dog. When I asked what he was thinking of he said he was remembering him up on the bed (a rare occurrence) with his head resting on the pillow. Then he stated, "I miss him and you too". It was the "and you too" that stung a bit. I sent a reply, "Thank you for saying that even if I was an afterthought to my dog. I miss you too." His reply was groundbreaking for me. He told me that I wasn't an "afterthought" but that he didn't want it going to my head and then followed it up with a taunting "lol".

It was such a jerk thing to say. For weeks I have been battling with my heart and he makes mention of me ego! Though it upset me to read that, I'm actually quite grateful. It just confirmed for me the reason I knew it would never work out. Kindred has a lot of qualities but at the same time, he can be one hell of an ass. I'd seen it directed toward others but usually when it came to me he was overly complimentary. Of course, that wasn't real, it was part of the controlling nature that is Kindred.

17 out of the 20 signs of a controller fit Kindred in one way or another on this website
http://www.homestudycredit.com/courses/contentCR/secCR16.html

2. Quick Attachment and Expression: The Controller has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to a Controller is how quickly he or she says, “I Love You,” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point - it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship, because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause a Controller to detach from you as quickly as they committed. A Controller typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
Kindred and I were saying "I love you" after just three days. He told me he was going to marry me almost right from the beginning of our relationships. Then he did have rapid detach as soon as I did something that upset him, he was quick to end the relationship. Kindred and I dated 4 months and the entire time he was trying to get me to move in with him.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence: A Controller repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard,” unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly, as though you deserved it. In public, you will be “walking on eggshells” always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
This one doesn't fit him to a "T" because he was always uplifting me and my self-esteem. However, the last sentence fits perfectly. I was always worried about doing something that would make him upset. This caused me to be in a constant state of anxiety.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle: A Controller cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow a Controller to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. A Controller often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.
This one was huge! Kindred truly was the sweetest, most attentive guy I had ever been with until...he got upset with something. I never did anything to make him as upset as he got with me. I've never been one to grovel in an argument. I usually stick by my guns because I don't get upset at things unless there's a reason. Well, I did quite a bit of groveling with Kindred just to end the fights. He'd have me in tears and apologizing for things I didn't even believe I had been wrong about. Kindred also would get extremely upset with me about something and then he'd apologize out of the blue and want to kiss and make up when I didn't feel any resolution had been reached. It made for a very confusing situations.

7. It’s Always Your Fault: A Controller blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly, it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the male Controller drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. A Controller tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. A Controller never, repeat “never,” takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them, it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not him) as they didn’t use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
I was always at fault for Kindred's anger. He even once got upset because I didn't compliment him as much as he did me. His anger was always justified and mine wasn't. He'd make comments about me always having to get my way (which I realize now was true for the most part) but he was doing the same thing. I must say though, he never yelled at me or physically abused me.

8. Breakup Panic: A Controller panics at the idea of breaking up, unless it’s totally their idea, then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female Controllers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area, as though you will be responsible for those decisions. A Controller offers a multitude of “deals” and halfway measures, like “Let’s just date one more month!” They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative Controllers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male Controller technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female Controller technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner), and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back, you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of Controller - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.
On numerous occasions Kindred was ready to drop me "like a hot rock" like mentioned above. I felt completely disposable which in the end was why I knew our relationship couldn't last. That is the only part of this one that really fits though. Given that I never threatened to break up with him beside the day I actually did it, I don't really know how he would have reacted. Since we have broken up he hasn't pleaded with me at all to take him back. He's much to arrogant for that.

9. No Outside Interests: A Controller will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.
Kindred didn't really encourage me to drop hobbies but he did insist on going with me. He also wanted me with him anytime he had somewhere to go.

10. Paranoid Control: A Controller will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some Controllers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech Controllers may encourage you to make “private” calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night, a Controller will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows Controller to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.
Kindred didn't really hound me much but given that I was with him most of the time anyway, it's hard to know if this would have been a factor in the future. He DID however have a major issue with me talking to members of the opposite sex even if it was someone I had been talking to for years and years. This was actually one of the last arguments we had and one I never was able to accept. He didn't tell me what to wear but did a little of controlling my behavior in public. He did refuse me to go to certain places and wasn't fond of one of my best friends and family members.

11. Public Embarrassment: In an effort to keep you under control while in public, Controller will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with Controller too long, you’ll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You’ll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in Controller.
This didn't happen a lot though Kindred liked to often make out with me in public as a way of showing possession. He always was grabbing me toward him and kissing me deeply. Something I didn't feel was really a problem but it was very different from anything I had ever experienced and I guess I was happy he wanted to show me off. Although, one time he did embarrass me in front of two of his friends when we went to their house for dinner. We got into an argument about this because I didn't like how he talked to me in front of them.

12. It’s Never Enough: A Controller convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say “I love you” enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
This one again doesn't fit very well. The only part was that Kindred felt I didn't compliment him enough in comparison to what he did for me.

13. Entitlement: A Controller has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, Controller feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
This example is quite fitting given that Kindred often would brake rules of the road. This example is way more extreme than I experienced with Kindred however.

14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him: As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what a Controller is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. A Controller will tell you they are jealous of the “special love” you have, and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them, eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. A Controller will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to, even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.
Both of my parents really liked Kindred. My sister on the other hand, not so much. Actually, she had a hand in hooking us up initially but shortly after getting to know him a bit she was more than wary. After hearing some rumors about him she didn't want me with him at all. Another friend/family member also didn't like him. I must mention though that my mom gave me a hard time for spending so much time with him so that goes to show that she noticed some aspect of the control.

15. Bad Stories: People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. A Controller tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and, in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts, because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the “I don’t take nothing from nobody” attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way.
At first my family and I heard nothing but good things about Kindred. Then my sister was told some stories about Kindred's past relationships and this is where confusion set in. I didn't believe the stories and discussed it with Kindred who denied the accusations. I still don't really know the truth though.

16. The Waitress Test: It’s been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time a Controller has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap, you’ll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment, that’s how they’ll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt, hit the road.
Kindred had no problem ordering wait staff around wherever we went. There was one waitress in particular that he told me about. He explained how he had spoken down to her. I remember thinking that it was mean of him but since I hadn't experienced it firsthand I didn't pay it much mind.

17. The Reputation: As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. A Controller may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit - you clearly understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there. A Controller may actually brag about their reputation as a “butt kicker," “womanizer," “hot temper,” or “being crazy.” They may tell you stories where other’s have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, a Controller will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with Controllers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of a Controller, it’s because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
As mentioned before, I heard very nice things about Kindred until my sister's report. This was the only account of negative reputation that I was aware of.

18. Walking on Eggshells: As a relationship with a Controller continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself “walking on eggshells” in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of a Controller. Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you’ll have to explain later), and fearful that you’ll see someone you’ll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone, exactly what a Controller wants, no interference with their control or dominance.
I was constantly worrying about upsetting Kindred. At first I told him everything. I've always been a bit of an open book and want to share everything with my significant other. Once I learned the hard way that things I said upset him, I started withholding information just to stay on his good side. I was constantly on edge and found myself resisting things that I knew were innocent just because I was afraid Kindred would get mad about it. Kindred always wanted us to be alone and often said he was happy when others would leave so we could be together just the two of us.

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions: A Controller is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. A Controller has no interest in your opinion or your feelings, but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. A Controller is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
My point of view or opinions were always viewed as less than his own. If I dared to criticise him it was turned around on me. Kindred would tell me how I would react to something, or how I would think about something. You remember the post where I talked about him telling me I wasn't ready for a long-term relationship? He often made the comment that he knew what I needed more than I did.

20. They Make You “Crazy”: A Controller operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing “crazy” things in self-defense. If a Controller is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm, you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female Controllers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are “going crazy,” it’s important to remember that there is no such thing as “normal behavior” in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from a Controller before permanent psychological damage is done.
I found myself deleting texts from girlfriends because I was afraid they would draw questions even when the conversations where completely innocent. I often would have to tell my family members, "Don't tell Kindred that" because the information (again, innocent) would give him reason to be upset and fight with me. I didn't see it then but my behaviors really were very different while I was with Kindred. I can't believe how much alcohol I drank with him! Last night I had two glasses of wine with my mom and was fine. The other night I went out with a girlfriend and again had two drinks in a five hour period. While with Kindred I regularly finished an entire bottle of wine to myself in an evening. In fact, I didn't like it when we didn't drink. I'm not sure exactly what this means but I know it's self destructive and gave him control over my thinking and my body.