September end tomorrow...

I know I haven't written in a long time. I suppose it goes without saying but our paths have yet to cross. When I didn't meet you in August I decided to have another reading. Only this time I did a phone reading with students all over the country. I got the number from Shelby. Her dad went through the program and graduated. I found it really interesting but they weren't able to answer specific questions about you. However, they did tell me that I'm in the process of going through a change and that it would be better for me to meet you after that change has happened.

I know that's true. And yes, I have been doing a lot of changing lately, for the better. I've also been romantically involved with someone for some time and haven't been able to break it off. It started at the beginning of June and is still slightly lingering. I know that I need to sever it but I care for him deeply and truly want to stay friends. Making that transition however has posed some hardships. It was naive of me to think that if I broke it off with him for the month of August, everything would go as foreseen. I wasn't really able to do that anyway.

So, I'm getting there My Love! Our time has come. I want you and only you. I'm actually p leased for this delay because it has offered me the time needed to improve myself. I must also consider the idea that you haven't been ready for me as well. You have things in your life which are determining your outcomes. I have to believe we are now on the same frequency and but moments away from starting our happy, abundant lives together.

Once I have you in my arms I will hold tight and never let go...
XOXO

Where are you?

It's August 31st today and I'm yet to meet you. Where are you? I have a feeling that I know why we haven't met yet. My energy has been directed elsewhere. I am making a conscious effort to direct it back where it belongs. I know you aren't far away; I can feel it. I'm ready to start our life together. I wonder what may be going on with you now that may be causing us to be on separate wavelengths. I'm not trying to put blame on you, not at all! I just know that our energy is what will draw us together. Mine is seeking you. I hope yours is seeking me.

Close but no cigar...

So, last night Gordon Tubesing called and asked me to watch his dogs today. I've watched his dogs probably four times over the past year. It was just a day trip and he left the door unlocked for me because he was having his house painted and they needed to be able to use the bathroom. So, I get to this house this afternoon and I see a young, attractive man. Then as I go up to the house, another young, attractive man. I started thinking to myself, "Hey, this could be it. They work outside just like what Kristine told me..." BUT, after going home to clean up my arm from Copper scratching me (he was so excited to see me that he left a bloody scratch from my wrist to my elbow haha) I came back and went into the house to read. Before long I fell asleep and woke up to the sound of the painters leaving in their truck. I wasn't disappointed at all. I just knew that neither of them were You.

I've been reading The Secret. When Nate and I lived in Kenmore we watched the movie and got all psyched about it. Since then I kept telling myself that I was living by the "laws of attraction" but when I saw the book at Wal Mart I decided that I needed a refresher. I'm really glad I did. I'm really enjoying the book. It tells you that in order to attract what you want you have to combine your thoughts, feelings, and actions as though you have already received it. So, I've been giving thanks for finding you. According to the book, gratitude goes a long way and the Universe (or God, which is how I look at it) will recognize when you are thankful and bring you more things to be thankful for.

So, I'm thankful for You, my soul-mate who I have finally found and began my life with. I couldn't be more happy or in love!

Just around the corner

It's August 22nd and I know that our time to meet is closer than ever! I keep thinking about all the events I have planned this month. This coming Saturday, the 28th I'm helping Steph put on the golf tournament fundraiser for the girl's basketball team. Golf brings about lots of men so I'm thinking you may be there. Then we're going out to the casino afterward for the mechanical bull party. Hahaha, who knows, you might be there... Other than that, I imagine it will just happen sometime while I'm out and about, least expecting it. I'm really excited Sweetheart! I can't wait to be able to hold you in my arms and tell you happy I am that I've finally found you.

With all my heart,
Katie

Today could be the day!

I hope so! I'm off to embrace the day and hopefully run into you...

It's fiiiiiiinally here!!!

Today is August 1, 2010! I sure hope we meet sooner rather than later. I've been waiting for this month for what feels like an eternity. I have a couple things planned this month which I think may allow me to meet you but in all actuality, I have no idea when or where it will happen.

I hope we meet in a romantic way. Ideally we would be wandering down the sidewalk minding out own business and accidentally run into each. Chances of that... slim to nothing, I know. hahaha Really though, it doesn't matter much at all. The only important thing is that you and I both are just days away from the beginning of the rest of our lives.

I can't wait!

I love you so much already =-)

It has been awhile but time has never been closer

July is almost over! It honestly seems unreal to me that I meet you next month. So, there's a guy that is working in downtown Sequim, construction. Haleigh and Mom called me the other day to tell me. They think he might be you hahaha. We drove by once but I haven't seen him. Besides, I don't meet you until next month so I'm not trying to force anything.

Currently I am housesitting at the Lambs. I'm sure by now that you've been up there and know what an incredible place it is. It is by far my most favorite house to sit. The setting is so romantic and beautiful. I wish you were here to share it with me. Originally I was going to be staying here into the first week of August but they decided to cut their trip short and will be coming home on July 27th. I was kind of hoping that I would meet you while staying here so you could come up and spend time with me here. I'd cook you dinner and we could soak in the hot tub together. Oh well, there will be plenty of time for romantic get-aways :-)

I wonder what you're up to this summer so far. It's really rather funny how fast summer goes by. Usually I want it to slow down but this summer I can't get to the end fast enough. Of course, after we meet I want time to slow down but until then I wouldn't mind it going by in the blink of an eye.

Finding you is the most important thing in my life! I wonder what your priorities are right now. Can you remember? I'm pretty excited to give this blog to you so you can have a glimpse into the time before we met. I hope you appreciate it. I feel a little vulnerable considering I'm putting myself out there and my heart on the line for a man I don't even know yet haha. I guess I just have faith in myself that the man I marry will be the kind of man I think will get me.

Well, the sun is call me. It's time for some nude sunbathing ;-)

Wish you were here!

One month to go!

Hey Sweetheart,

I don't have a lot of time cause I have a meeting at work I need to get to but I know I haven't written in awhile and wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten about you. It's July 1, 2010 today which means that the countdown seriously begins today! I am soooo excited that I meet you in just a month.

So, something happened the other day that I want you to know about. Have I mentioned my ex-boyfriend Chris at all? He was the guy I was dating in Hawaii. Well, we bought Kai together and when we broke up in the summer of 2007 I told him I wanted to keep Kai which he agreed to. Well, over the past three years he has tried to contact me on and off. At first I was nice to him because he owed me money and kept promising to send it to me. I eventually realized that was never going to happen and severed ties. A few months back he sent numerous friend requests on Facebook and this was the conversation that followed:

Between Chris Haugen and You

Katie Fothergill April 5 at 8:52am
Is there something you want to say to to me or are you just trying to add another number to your friends? I'm confused at your intentions for the recurring friend requests.

April 8 at 1:42am
Actually no I have nothing to say to you and I don't need you as a friend but I would really love to hear about how Kai is doing. I tried the phone number I had for you but it doesn't work. Even though we have our issues I do miss him and would like to hear how he is doing every once in a while. Even a picture would be nice.

Katie Fothergill April 8 at 9:37am
If you had handled things between us differently I may be more inclined to include you in my life. Since you have no interest in ME anyway, I'm definitely not going to tell you about my dog. That's a topic saved for friends and family. Given that you are neither, it does not concern you. My phone number is the same it ever was; enough said about that. By the way, it's kind of strange that you recently put pictures of me up on your page. It would be one thing if we were friends but...Please Chris, just leave me alone. You lost all your rights to Kai when you betrayed me. Nonetheless, may God bless you with happiness in your present life and help you find the courage to let go of connections you had in the past.

And then I blocked him so he couldn't contact me anymore. Well a few days ago I had left myself logged into my Yahoo account and when I came back to the computer this was the IM that I received from him:

"your going to come home one day soon and kai will be gone. locking your door isnt going to help ill just break the fucker down. i hope you and your whole family rot in hell. i tried to give you time to become less of a selfish cunt but it looks like that will never change. i hope you get hit by a fuckin semi you self centered piece of shit. my time with you would have been better spent hitting myself in the head with a hammer. i get sick everytime i even think about the giant waste of my life you were."

I showed Mom and we called the police and everything but they didn't think it was that serious. It's pretty scary considering that I broke up with this guy three years ago and he still has such intense feelings! I'm trying not to live in fear but it's really hard. I would devastated if I lost Kai. I'm going to feel much, MUCH better once you and I are living together and Chris doesn't know where to find Kai. I know that being with you will heal my anxiety and that you will protect us.

Okay Honey, I have to get going. But, I love you tons and am so anxious for next month! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

What our future holds for us

Have I mentioned how I've been struggling with the idea of having children? Don't get me wrong, even since I can remember I've known deep down that I would be a mother one day. Well, with everything in the world the way it has been the past few years I've been doubting this. Sometimes I feel that bringing children into this world would be a selfish act and not the best thing for the children. I've always to experience the love I could give as a mother and the love I would then return from a child. Not to mention the bond it would create between my husband and me to create a life together.

I no longer have this decision struggle going on in my mind. Something pretty amazing happened to me a few nights back. I talk to God on a regular basis. Sometimes I think he responds but I'm never quite sure if it's just my own mind putting a voice to what I think, or want to hear from God. I'm still unsure whether this is true or not. However, I am positive of what happened the other night.

I dreamt that you and I had gone somewhere (how I can dream about someone I've not yet met is even beyond me. All I know is I was with my a man I romantically loved. Because I do not have a boyfriend, I'm assuming it was you.) and there was chaos everywhere we turned. We had to fight for our vehicle from people trying to take it. People openly had weapons out and were fighting. A few times you had to protect me from being harmed. As I started to draw out of the dream and moved into that space where you aren't awake and yet are aware enough to not be asleep I talked with God. I had the thought again that if my dream was any inclination of what the world could be like then I don't want to bring children into that.

I received a response. Often when I pray I tell God that I want to be used to do his work. I want him to flow through me so that I can help others in any way that he wants. Well, the response he gave me was something like this, "if you decide not to have children, then you won't be doing my work". It was a profound moment for me. Not only will I never doubt my decision to bring children into this world, I know HE has been listening to me, and I know HE talks back. Isn't that incredible?! It makes me all warm and comforted just to think about it. I'm almost in tears right now.

I've always told people that I have a relationship with God but it was not until this moment that I truly felt it in my soul. I'm far from being perfect and can admit that I am a great sinner. BUT, I know I am loved and forgiven by my God who is there wanting a relationship with me.

Anyway, I wanted to share that with you. I look at having children in such a different light now. I want it not for my own selfish reasons but because it is what God wants me to do. I am meant to mother just as you are meant to father. I bet our kids will be terrific! I'm soooo excited =-)

XOXO

Any excuse to stay in with you

Today is such a dreary, miserable day outside. If you were here with me I would suggest that we start a fire, cuddle up in blankets and watch romantic comedies together. I've never really been a big fan of the rain (thank the Lord it rains less in Sequim than the rest of western Washington!) but I do enjoy it under the right circumstances.

There's something romantic about holing up inside when it's miserable outside and using it as an excuse to spend all day kissing and cuddling. I hope we have lots and lots of romantic rainy days!

Would you honor me with a dance?

Hi Honey,

I cannot believe that May is almost over! I am more and more excited to meet you with each passing day. So, I was thinking the other day, I'd really like to learn how to ballroom dance. Do you dance? I know that guys can be finicky about dancing. Anyway, I'm hoping that you will learn how to do it with me. I think it will be fun and something just for us. Since you aren't reading this until after we're already married...did I mention that I decided to give it to you as a wedding gift? I've written so many posts at this point that I apologize if I repeat things. I have a tendency at this point to repeat my thoughts in reference to you. I mean, what do you expect given that I haven't met you yet?

So, the point I was making is that I'm not sure how dancing at our wedding will be. I'm hoping that we can start dancing lessons while we're dating. I think it would be really fun to show our stuff at our wedding reception. I went to a wedding and reception the other day with Mom and Haleigh. The couple that got married only knew each other for a few months (literally like 3 months) and decided to get married. Everyone thought they were crazy but they truly appear to be very happy. I suppose when you know, you know. I have a feeling that's how it will be for us too. Anyway...I'm getting off topic here. The couple that wed had met dancing. So, many of the people they had at their reception knew how to dance. Haleigh and I were out there doing our thing which was nothing "proper" in the world of dance I assure you but we were having fun anyway.

I'm sure I haven't mentioned this before but Peder's dad is a dancer. Well, he was at the reception. It was nice that things weren't that awkward and he even came and sat by me for a bit and talked. So, I'm sitting by the dance floor and he comes and requests a dance from me. I was petrified! It actually turned out pretty well. Of course I didn't know what I was doing but being the woman I was able to just follow him. It was actually pretty fun.

Okay, enough about that. I just wanted to tell you that I hope we can dance through life together =-) Of course, if you really really don't want to, that's ok. I'm just hoping that you do want to.

XOXO
That's all for now my Sweet.

Wanna Play?

I was playing with Haleigh yesterday, wrestling around through the house and I realized how much I like to be playful. I started wondering if you're a playful person. I do hope so. Now that you're reading this I want you to do something...at some point between now and the next few days or so I want you to do something playful with me. Of course, at this point I have no idea what our relationship is like so maybe this will be a normal thing but you can tell me afterward that it was because you read this post. Do something like start an indoor water fight with me, or a food fight, or tell me you want to bake a cake together and then smear frosting on my nose or something like that.

Hopefully I'll react well to it. I'm sure you'll know me well enough to know when a good time will be. I look forward to playing with you =-) I think that life is meant to experience and have fun with. Having a spouse to me means sharing those moments with each other. I want us to have a happy and fun-filled life together. Please do me a favor, do us a favor and don't ever let me forget that I said this. So many times couples lose sight of the heart of their marriage and lose themselves and their relationship. It's sooooo important to me that this does not happen to us...ever!

I love you, My Favorite Playmate =-D

Love is...the reason we're here on earth

Just wanted to check in so you would know I hadn't forgotten about you. I've been hearing our song a lot on the radio lately. I love it! I went for a visit at my great aunt and uncle's house yesterday. I'm trying to get all my visiting in while I'm in Seattle. My aunt is one smart cookie! I really enjoy the conversations that I have with her. She is a wealth of knowledge for life and my family's history which is very nice for me given that I don't know much about my family...or life considering I'm only 27 and she's 80. I'll take you to meet them one day. They're wonderful!

My aunt was telling me a story of when she was a young girl. She said that God told her that there was a man out to see named Lawrence who she would marry. This was a few years before she actually met him but isn't that wonderful?! Remember how I was telling you that I wish I knew what your name is? Maybe I haven't been listening close enough. It would be such a blessing if God told me your name.

I cannot believe that April is almost over already! Not that I'm complaining. Each passing month gets me closer to you.

Today is a sunny day. Not quite as warm as yesterday but still nice. I hope you're enjoying it wherever you are.

Hugs!

XOXO

Just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you while I'm alone at this house in Seattle. I sure wish you were here with me. I don't do very well as a loner; I hope you're the same way. Once we meet I know that I'm going to want to spend all my time with you from that moment on. I hope that doesn't seem scary in any way...I know that guys can get freaked out about stuff like that. But, I'm not that worried because I have a feeling you're going to feel the same way. That's why you're the "One" :-)

Anyway, I go through the calendar on my phone a couple times a week and go through my plans until I get to August. It helps me feel like August isn't really that far away. Really, it's only four months now. When I first started writing to you in January it was seven months. So, we're almost at the half way point and things always go faster in downhill motion.

Well, it's dinner time. Just know that I think about you every single day...whoever you are.

Isn't the "Love Is" cartoon so appropriate?!

Love is...

Hey Hun,

I don't really have a reason to write today per se. Just an update. Today is Thursday and my last day of work for a couple of weeks while I'm housesitting in Seattle. It will be nice to spend some time over there so I can catch up with friends and family that I don't often see. My list of people to see has already grown quite large and now I'm hoping I can fit it all in. Chances are I will be frustrated with myself for not allowing more freedom. Oh well, in any event I'm sure it will be great. I'm going to be staying in the U-district at a very cute house owned by my dad's (Tim) cousin and his wife. They have two large dogs and three cats and I'm bringing Kai along as well so I'll be surrounded by excitement the entire time.

Mickey leaves for Germany this coming Tuesday so I'm going to see him and Allison Sunday for a "going away" dinner. Then Allison isn't leaving for another month so she's going to stay with me at the house the majority of the time which will be nice. Peder was pressuring me into letting him come over for a few days but I refused. It's time that tie was made strictly friendly and all physical contact severed completely. I don't want him, I want you! I just wish you'd hurry up and get here, lol.

Speaking of ties however, I was contacted by Chris Haugen. He's the boyfriend I had in Hawaii, the one I got Kai with. Every now and then he'll contact me and it's never pleasant. He was controlling then and he's controlling now. He feels he has some right to Kai because he knew him 1 year out of his life. Chris betrayed me and never made good on some money that he owed me. It wasn't even that much, $350 but it's the principle of the matter in my eyes. Especially since I had it at one point and gave it back to him because he would have been broke only because he promised to give it to me as soon as he got to where he was going. As you can imagine, after numerous excuses, I never saw it.

Well, I received a friend request from him on Facebook. This is the fourth or fifth over the years. I've always hit "ignore" but then he sends it again some months later. My friend Tamara accepted his friend request and then told me that he doesn't look very good. I checked out his page just to find that he had recently put pictures of me up there! How weird is that?! Shortly after I received a friend request which I "ignored". Then a month later, another one.

I finally wrote to him and said, "Is there something you want to say to me or are you just trying to add another number to your site? I'm confused about the recurring friend requests." He waited a few days and then replied, "Actually no I have nothing to say to you and I don't need you as a friend but I would really love to hear about how Kai is doing. I tried the phone number I had for you but it doesn't work. Even though we have our issues I do miss him and would like to hear how he is doing every once in a while. Even a picture would be nice." My reply was not very nice I know but really, it was time for this to end, " If you had handled things between us differently I may be more inclined to include you in my life. Since you have no interest in ME anyway, I'm definitely not going to tell you about my dog. That's a topic saved for friends and family. Given that you are neither, it does not concern you. My phone number is the same it ever was; enough said about that. By the way, it's kind of strange that you recently put pictures of me up on your page. It would be one thing if we were friends but...Please Chris, just leave me alone. You lost all your rights to Kai when you betrayed me. Nonetheless, may God bless you with happiness in your present life and help you find the courage to let go of connections you had in the past."

Then I blocked him so he can't contact me at all on Facebook. I pride myself on staying friends with ex-boyfriends. They have all offered me some bit of who I am today and I thank them for that and want to honor the time we had together. Chris is different. I honestly want nothing to do with him! My life is better when he's not in it in any form. He was a mistake and should reside only in my memory as a "learning experience".

Well, it's 10:23 AM and I should probably get off the computer and get ready for work. Have you ever read those little cartoons in the paper titled "Love is..."? I absolutely adore them and want to share them with you. I'll attach a new one to each post I write.

Until next time...XOXO (I wish I could do that for real)

So much to catch up on!

Hey Darlin',

It has been a long time since I've written to you. Lots has happened and not all of it good. I really wish you were here with me. I could use your support right now.

Have I mentioned before that I do housesitting? Well, I just finished up with a week housesitting gig between two different houses. Both of the people who hired me are friends of Mom's. The first night at the first house I had Haleigh spend the night with me. We had a lot of fun going in the hot tub and watching movies together. It was Spring Break for her so it was okay for her to sleep over on a Sunday night.

Not only did I want her company because I enjoy it but also so that I wouldn't be tempted to see Peder who lived just up the road from the house. Haleigh left Monday and I was alone at the house. I did very well. I had been feeling tempted to contact Peder not because I really wanted to see him or be with him. I definitely have not wanted to get back together! I guess I've just been lonely. It's nice to be held and feel loved. Well, I faced this temptation and I resisted. Peder had not contacted me for over a month because the last time he called me, a week after I saw him last, I didn't call him back. I can usually count on him being stubborn and this time it worked in my favor.

Well, then came Wednesday and he sent me text asking if I was home so he could stop by. I wasn't and told him so. He then proceeded to say that he didn't want any hard feelings between us and he wanted to see me. Here is where I made the mistake, I agreed. I really don't want to get into too many graphic details but some bad stuff happened. Everything really started out well. I was nervous to see him but then when I did my nervousness washed away and I realized that I felt friendly toward him. And we did, we were friends the majority of the day. We spent quite a bit of time together and it was really nice.

Then after drinking (bad idea!) he tried to kiss me. I resisted and pushed him away. I then found out that he had slept with another woman, a married woman at that in between the first time we broke up and when we first saw each other. I wasn't hurt or upset that he had done the act. We were broken up, not a big deal but I was upset that he lied to me when I had asked him before sleeping with him and he told me he hadn't been with anyone. The news was rather emotional but I did forgive him. One thing led to another and because I had drank too much I ended up falling asleep on the couch just to wake to him on top of me. I was very angry, hurt, disgusted, violated! I didn't know what to do. I cried, I hit him, and then I let him comfort me. I don't know why. He claimed that he thought I was playing with him, like a role-play or something.

Anyway, the next day he came to get something he had forgotten and I told him that I really want to be friends with him and nothing more. He agreed and I let him stay for dinner. Everything was perfect! We were truly friends. No kissing and definitely no sex.

But now, contact has been reestablished. I'm sad because I fear that I will not get to meet you as soon as I was hoping. However, Kristine did say that Peder would stop contacting me around May and that's next month. I'm still going with that as truth. It would be nice to be able to be friends with Peder but I'm afraid he'll always want more. I'm getting ready for a two week stay in Seattle starting this coming Sunday. Peder wants to come stay with me but I told him that he can't. He didn't accept my answer though and told me to tell him if I change my mind. I just need to surround myself with friends and move past the bump in the road.

I'm so sorry Sweetheart! I really was trying to attract you to me sooner but now I've gone and messed it all up. I guess I'll have to wait until August after all =-( I had a dream last night that I met you in town at the Home Depot. You worked there and were helping me find something, I can't remember what now. You were flirting with me and when it came time for me to check out you told me that you were going to miss me. I shared in your sentiment and told you that I had never had such a great shopping experience at Home Depot before. Then instead of letting me go to another checker, you checked me out yourself. Then at the stand behind me, the checker said my name. She was a friend of Mom's and we started talking. When I turned around you were gone. My hopes for you asking for my number were shattered and all I could do was hope you would see my name on the credit card receipt and find me somehow.

What do you think it means? I took it as us being so close to finding each other and yet still far away. I really felt good in the dream though. I remember walking around the store with you and realizing that you were The One. It was instant for me. But, I didn't do anything bold like I've mentioned before. I just went with the flow and let you take the lead.

I know this post is super long already, I'm sorry. I just have so much to tell you. I've saved the best for last. This is going to seem weird to you, I'm sure but I think it's great! I've done this twice now and found great satisfaction both times. Hmmm, how to begin...

Okay I'm just going to say it. I've made love to you twice already. I know that sounds ridiculous but stay with me here. I've realized that I've never ever really made love to anyone I've ever been with. Up until this point it has always been sex, or worse, (enter swear word here). I believe that the physical sex for women is completely intertwined with the woman's mind. Here's a little tidbit of information for you, sometimes I wake up from sleep having an orgasm. I guess I'm in the 10% of women in the world that this happens to. This just confirms my belief that a woman's climax directly correlates with where her mind is.

Up until you I've always had to think about pretty naughty things in order to get off. It was always the same when I was with a man. So, I was never really "with" them at all because my mind was elsewhere.

The other night I decided to try something else. As I played with myself I thought about being with you, well, the idea of you since I don't know what you look like. I completely focused on our time together and my mind did not wander a single time. As I climaxed I repeated the words, "I love you" over and over. It was beautiful!

Then I wasn't sure if that was a one time thing so I decided to try it again and it was equally wonderful. This is something that has been a goal for me for a long time. Because of my sexually history (that's too much to go into right now) I've always been somewhat "damaged" when it came to my view of sex and how I interacted in it. I had been using some positive thinking to change this and I prayed about it and lo and behold, it happened.

I suppose the reason I have had to wait for you as long as I have is so that the work on myself will lead us to have a great relationship. Sex is a huge part of a budding romance and I want to do it right with you. I'm ready now! I'm so excited for the first time it become a reality for us. For now I'll settle for making love to you in my mind.

One year older

Well, I'm 27! It's kind of hard to believe that I'm just three years away from 30. I wonder how old you are. I think 27 is the perfect age to meet the person you're going to marry though. I'm pretty sure it's how old my dad was when he met my mom. I was feeling a little bit of anxiety about turning 27. My mom gave birth to me when she was 27 and here I am unmarried and without kids. I guess I always thought things would fall into place earlier for me.

Then again, someone once told me that it's wise not to marry before the age of 30. She said that by 30 you know who you are and what you want. The chances of divorce are lessened. Well, I may not be 30 when you and I decide to marry but I'll be close. Of course, I'm not worried about divorce with you. I know how devoted I am and the kind of wife I want to be. In addition, Kristine told me that we don't get divorced so that just supported what I already believed.

My birthday was a lot of fun. Unfortunately I had a little bit too much fun and was sick all of yesterday while I was trying to recuperate. The band at the casino was awesome! I even got some fun pictures with some of the cross-dressers. At one point I went up on stage with my friend Gary and then security came and asked us to get down. Lol, it was pretty funny.

When I was staying with Allison a couple weekends ago she told me about one of her customers. She's in her forties but full of life. Allison told me that the woman is always excited when it's her birthday. I found this mind-opening. Birthdays should always be celebrated. For some reason our society has put a limit on when birthdays stop being "fun" and start meaning "old". I decided at that moment that I'm never going to embrace "old"; I'm always going to love my birthday. After all, life on this earth should be celebrated and that was the day it all started for me.

I think that attitude had a lot to do with my birthday turning out well. You already know how I feel about the power of attraction and positive thought. I had just never applied this to birthdays. For some reason as people age they tend to give their birthdays less and less admiration. They tell people under their breath that it's their birthday and say that it's "no big deal". It's a shame! I hope you feel the same way. We're going to make a big deal out of your birthday too =-)

Wow, can you believe that March is almost over already?! I'm really hoping we meet before August. The Lambs have asked me to housesit for three weeks in July and their house is incredible! I would love to have you there with me then. Still no word from Peder since his phone call almost three weeks ago. That's a really good sign. I truly believe my actions may have moved everything up in time. Well, we'll see soon enough.

"What's in a name?

That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet."

Do you know where I got that quote from? I'm guessing that you do since Kristine told me you are very intelligent. I thought it was fitting for what I've been thinking about lately. You don't know this but I'm not exactly "fond" of my last name.

It's not like it's something gross or embarrassing. It's just very different. Unique is usually a good thing but I'm looking forward to taking on your name. Hopefully you don't have anything gross or embarrassing, lol.

I feel kind of bad about it though. You see, I'm the last Fothergill in my family. I don't think my dad really means to put pressure on me but he has mentioned this fact before. I think he hopes I'll keep it. Of course, it will still die with me given that our children will carry your name. And hyphenating is definitely out of the question. My name is already long enough; I can't imagine having to spell it out anymore than I already do.

I am quite curious as to what your name is. The whole thing really but I'm most intrigued by your last name cause it will one day be mine. I'd like to try it on for size =-) I can't tell you how many guys I've scared off with that line haha. I like to test 'em and see what they're made of. I would ask a guy what his last name was and then I'd say something like, "Oh, that's a nice one, mind if I try it with mine?" and then I'd watch them sweat. Then I'd know he wasn't the one. Something tells me I won't do that with you though. I'll probably want to play it safe so as not to scare you off.

Who knows. Anyway, it's 3:32 and it's my birthday. I'm off to get my hair styled and then get dressed for tonight. I'm sure it's going to be an awesome evening!

One chance at a first impression

I've been thinking a lot about the day we meet. Though I'd like to think it will be "love at first sight" and we run into each other's arms, I have to be realistic. I tend to fantasize a bit especially when it comes to the fairy tale romance. Given that I have the advantage of knowing our meeting is coming I imagine I will know you the minute I see you. You of course, will not have this insight.

I've entertained the thought of kissing you right away. Not on the mouth of course! I don't want to come off as a tramp or anything. But maybe a sweet kiss on the cheek when we go to shake hands our first introduction. Though I would like to do this for story's sake, I'm not sure I'd have the courage when the time comes.

One thing I really want to do is get a picture of us that day. Hopefully we'll meet at a social gathering of some sort so it won't be weird or anything. I just think it would be awesome to have a picture of the day we meet.

We already have a pretty cool start on our story of how we met given that I know it's coming, AND that I'm writing this blog. I just want it to be as special as it possibly can. Of course, I'll be happy with whatever happens given that I will have been waiting for it for so long.

I hope that meeting me will be as special for you as meeting you will be for me.

Two ships passing in the night?

I was coming home from work yesterday when I stopped at a stop sign behind a man on a motorcycle. Though I hope you don't ride motorcycles (I'll explain why some other time) I started wondering if you and I have crossed paths already. Wouldn't that be something?

Kristine, my Intuitive Life Coach told me that you and I meet in the area. I'm hoping that means that you live around here. If that is the case, it's quite possible that we've been near each other and not even known it. Maybe someday we'll be talking about something and learn that we were in the same place at the same time but just didn't find each other. We'll laugh about it then and bathe in the wonderment of it. For now, it just sucks! Lol, that just means I could have been close to you today and not even known it.

My cousin Allison found out something similar with her now husband. She and Mickey actually lived by each other and went to the same school but never knew it until years later when they became a couple. I think it's so wonderful when people have stories like that. I think it's God's way of getting his kicks.

Well, it's St. Patty's Day; I hope you're wearing green. Of course, I'm sure I wouldn't have a problem having to pinch you either ;-) I do wonder what you're up to. Are you out drinking green beer with the guys? Or maybe you have a girlfriend. Hmm, I don't like that idea as much. I think I'll stick with you being out with the guys, lol. After all, it is my blog so I should fantasize it the way I want it right? =-D

I'm not going out tonight. It's 4:36 and the family should be getting home soon. I'm going to plan dinner, do some laundry, and maybe spend some time with the doggies. Beside, I'm going out Saturday for my birthday. I'm sure that will be enough partying to satisfy me for awhile.

I hope whatever you're doing, you're having fun. I wish we were together.

Must love dogs

Have you seen that movie "Must Love Dogs"? It's a romantic comedy; cute but not really a favorite or anything. I just thought it made a cute title for this post =-)

I really do hope you love dogs though because Kai comes with the "me" package. If for some reason you don't like dogs, I'm fairly confident that Kai will change your mind. He is literally the best dog ever! I know everyone says that about their pets but you'll see what I mean.

Kai will 3 years old this coming May. He still has a lot of puppy in him. I actually wish that you and I had kids already (does that freak you out to think about?) because he is the perfect dog for children. He's always ready to "go"...anywhere even if it's just to the end of the driveway to get the mail and he never turns down an opportunity to play.

Before Peder (Kindred) I dated Nate, my longest relationship. Nate and I had broken up for a year while I was away in Hawaii going to school. While there I met and dated a man named Chris. Chris and I got Kai together at the Hilo Humane Society. Actually, we bought Kai and his brother Toby who was an all-over golden color but had the same white strip between his eyes as Kai. Both beautiful dogs but Toby was the brawn and Kai the brain. Chris wasn't allowed to have dogs where he was renting and after not being able to hide them, we decided to put an add in the paper to find them good homes. You have to be careful in Hawaii because most dogs are bought for boar hunting and kept in small kennels for their whole lives. It's really very sad.

A very nice man answered the ad and came to look at Toby and Kai. He only wanted one dog which would be a companion for the dog he already owned. Kai, being the social butterfly that he is, took to the man right away. The man wanted Kai but when I was a little reluctant, he decided to take Toby who he said was the better looking dog anyway.

After the man left with Toby I told Chris that I wanted to keep Kai. Even now I can't believe it came that close to me losing him! Chris and I didn't last long. He was controlling over me and Kai...everyone really. When I broke up with him I told him I wanted to keep Kai. It was decided that I would but while figuring out his living situation, moving out of my parent's house, he went back and forth about leaving Kai with me. I was really scared actually. It was summer but I wouldn't sleep with my window open because I was afraid Chris would come in the middle of the night and take Kai. I still worry about it a little because Chris knows where we are and he occasionally will try to contact me, always asking how Kai is.

He's my baby and I would fight tooth-and-nail to keep him with me and safe. He's become a large part of the family all together, especially with my dad. He and my dad have a very special bond and dad will be very sad the day that Kai (and I) move out. Hopefully you and I won't live far away though so dad can have regular visits with Kai, lol.

Maybe you have a dog too. Hmm, I just thought of that. That would be pretty cool. I think Kai could use a playmate. Link and Ginger (my mom and sister's Dachshunds) don't like playing with Kai because he's so much bigger than them.

You'll find this out soon enough but people are constantly asking what breeds Kai is. I still don't really know. The Humane Society told me "Australian Blue Heeler/Pitbull" but I think he has some kind of running dog in him. You should see him run! One of these days I really want to get him mouth swabbed so we can find out for sure what he is. I'm just curious and beside, I need to know for when it comes time to get another dog cause I want one just like Kai.

That's all for now My Dear.
XOXO

Let's get out of dodge!

I was thinking about you today (something I do everyday) and was daydreaming about traveling with you. My cousin Allison (it's so nice to be able to use real names now that I'm not worried about people reading this) is moving to Germany with her husband, Mickey in just a few weeks. Allison and I had been planning a trip to Europe for after I graduate with my Master's. Since she'll already be there, it changes things a bit.

I'm not really sure what your situation is but I imagine you have a job that does not allow you to leave the country at a drop of the hat. That's okay though; we have lots of time to plan trips. But, I really, REALLY want to go to Europe. I especially want to see Venice before it sinks and want to go wine tasting all throughout Italy. Can we go together? Nothing would make me happier!

Though I'm hoping to meet you sooner, August is still coming up quickly. I know we need time to get to know each other but I'll be the same person in Europe, lol. Okay, I'm done with my little rant. It's just something I've always wanted to do and it would be so much better doing it with you by my side.

I'm excited to travel places with you. I hope you enjoy traveling. It would be awful if you had a fear of flying or something that would challenge us getting to places far away. I'm sure everything will be fine. Beside, if not airplanes, there's always traveling by boat :-)

Our Song

I bet you didn't know it but, we have a song. Everytime I hear this song on the radio I think of you.

Haven't Met You Yet

By: Michael Buble

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
Have Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stopped Keepin Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Time
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Hmmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It By It ??
To Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Hmmm .....

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get han I Get

Oh You Know It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

A change of heart

I've made a decision today. I will no longer use this blog as a daily "journal" of sorts. The point of this blog is for me and my husband-to-be. I may not post everyday any more but instead will post when something relevant comes to be. I considered deleting some of the posts I've already written but have decided not to. Like most things, this blog has matured and grown over time. This decision is part of the journey and all the changes I will face along the way should be illustrated through the writings here. I really want to dedicate this writing to the man I will love my whole life and that is what my posts will pertain to from here on in.

I want to take this moment to apologize if any of the previous posts are...I can't really think of the right descriptive word. I just don't want anything written here to bring any bouts of pain, disappointment, or any other negative feeling from you. <-- another change. I've decided to write directly to you (my husband-to-be) because this blog is strictly for you and hidden from the eyes of anyone else.

Awhile back I was debating about sharing this blog with the world. I've realized that I don't want that. The purpose is for you and for me; for us. Someday I will show this to you. Obviously not at first because you'll think I'm some crazy crackpot who should be the one receiving counseling instead of giving it. However, in time I think you'll be able to appreciate this and I want more than anything for it to be something special for us.

I love you Sweetheart! Boy, it sure is strange to be saying "I love you" to someone I haven't even met but I know it's true. I've loved other men so I know what it feels like. The reason I feel comfortable saying it now is because our connection is that of God which can only mean that we will share a love greater than any I have experienced. I want you to know that I am completely devoted to you. You are all I need now and forever. You can trust me whole-heartedly and I promise to give you the same. I am soooo excited to begin our lives together! I just hope that we don't make too many people jealous of what we have =-)

XOXO

Rant

Okay, I don't know where ya'll live but where I live there's one highway that takes you everywhere you need to go. When I go to my internship it usually takes around 30 minutes and I have two stoplights that I go through. Now, shortly after breaking up with Kindred I decided to better myself. One way I did this was by stopping my habit of speeding while driving. I've always been the type of person who's trying to get where I'm going and no lallygagging. I realized this was reckless and unnecessary because I "usually" give myself plenty of time to get where I need to be. I've been at my internship for seven months now and haven't been late once.

Here comes the rant...use the cruise control people! I understand that this is not always possible especially in high-traffic areas. However, out here on the peninsula it is more than possible, it's beneficial. This is more directed to those who refuse to do the speed limit. For those speeders...I understand. I used to be just like you. Though you should probably slow down, it isn't up to me to tell you otherwise. Beside, as long as I'm behind you and you're speeding, I can comfortably set my cruise control on the speed limit and enjoy my drive.

It's more the inconsistent drivers that "drive" me crazy (ha ha, I love puns!). You're way up ahead so I set my cruise control on the speed limit. The next thing I know I'm tailgating you and having to go back to the gas pedal. Then the next minute you're back up to speeding and I set it just to get right behind you again a moment later. These are the people who would best set the cruise control. If you cannot keep a consistent speed, please move over for those who can.

If everyone set their cruise for the speed limit there would be no problems. Everyone would be evenly spaced between each other and cruising at the legal limit. Of course, I understand this is not probable. I guess this is just one of those, "my way is better" kind of moments.

Back to the grind

I had an eventful weekend on the other side of the water with my cousin A. I went over Friday and stayed until Sunday. We always have fun together and I'm struggling with the fact that she's moving out of the country in just weeks! We went out Saturday night drinking (not much for me cause I was driving) and dancing. One great thing about having Allison with me is that she gets hit on by all the guys and I'm spared, lol. You know how men in bars can be with their eyes undressing every woman and their creepy vibes fogging the room. A. and I were with two of her girlfriends and we had a lot of fun just dancing the four of us.

It feels good to get out and hang with girls. This is something that I regrettably do not do enough of when I'm in a relationship. My boyfriend is always my best friend also which leads to neglecting my girlfriends. Of course, with Kindred, he didn't want me going out much anyway so that didn't help either.

Speaking of Kindred...I received a phone call from him Friday afternoon. He has Friday and Saturday off and the weekend before was when we spent time together. I have to admit I was surprised he called instead of texting. I knew he would wait about a week to contact me because that was the norm before the kissing fiasco led to more complicated connections. Anyway, I noticed he had called after he had already left a voicemail. So, I didn't really not take his call, but I did choose not to call him back. His message was pretty simple telling me that he was thinking about me and wasn't sure if I would take his call. He said he hopes I'm doing well, enjoying the day and that I can call him back if I want to.

As innocent as that sounds, I had a feeling that it was best not to respond. I don't intend to be mean, but I do intend to be distant. I can't let myself worry about him thinking I'm being a b*tch because that would require me explaining things to him and that requires contact. If he does try to contact me again the most I plan to say is that I need time and space before he and I can be friends. For now, I think it's just best to remove myself from the situation all together. The cool part is that I don't really have a desire to talk to him at all.

After we first broke up I was craving his attention immensely. After my brief return to his arms I realized that I had made the correct decision in parting ways and this confirmed my feelings and my direction. I'm actually very grateful for the sense of calm and acceptance that I have. I wish the same for him.

Out of the comfort zone

Remember when awhile ago I wrote about wanting to put my blog out there for people to read? Well, I'm a step closer to that now. Granted, I'm not attracting anyone I actually know. I've become a follower to some blogs and therefore have put myself out there in the blogging community. I truly admire those who have large amounts of followers for their blogs. The risk is that the person's writing, or more so, themselves, is put on the line for criticism. There's no guarantee that anyone will subscribe to my blog but the chance is there. Just the same, I've done my best to remain as anonymous as possible. Not because of shame. I'm just not ready to take the risk of Kindred finding me here.

With that said, I can move on to something which occurred to me last night. I had a dream in which Kindred and I were dating and were out in public. We were walking together glued at the stomach as though we were hugging causing him to walk backward. This was very symbolic to how we were in public. Kindred was always ... I'd say "kissing" me but really they were more like make-out sessions in public places. We were walking this way when I ran into a friend of mine whom I had known when going to school in Hawaii.

When I lived in Hawaii I worked at a Vitamin World and so met many people who were into health and fitness. This friend was one of these who was in very good shape and had large muscles (opposite of Kindred who was tall and slender). I was excited to see this friend and separated myself from Kindred so I could give him a hug. I held Kindred's hand with my left and put my arm around my friend with my right. Kindred was not happy. He went into an establishment to do something and I explained to my friend that Kindred is very jealous but not to let it get to him.

When Kindred returned he confronted my friend aggressively. My friend stood up to Kindred explaining that he is just friends with me and that there was no reason to be unfriendly. My friend then said something that stuck with me. He said, "don't mess with me; I'm Auralian".

When I woke up I googled "Auralian" and found that some believe it is another world. It was very strange for me. Of course, this is not the first time that dreams have provided me with new information. I once had a dream that a boyfriend was cheating on me and when I told him about it he admitted to doing just that. I truly feel I have a psychic connection. I just wish I could use it productively.

The danger zone?

I've been working on the birthday planning. S. has committed and so has a good friend of mine from the Kirkland area. I talked with my cousin who is south of Seattle and though she wasn't entirely sure, I'm going to say that she'll be coming too. She'd better cause she's leaving the country and I need time with her before she goes. Other than that I have another friend from this area who said she most likely will come. This is where it gets a little sticky. She dates a friend/co-worker of Kindred. She and I have hung out without the boys so I feel we have formed our own relationship so it isn't "weird" or anything. I told her to invite her friend Christine if she wants who also is associated with Kindred. On top of that I've invited Kindred's best friend's wife. I really like her and Kindred shared with me that she told him she would want to hang out with me even though Kindred and I weren't dating.

So, is this dangerous? We'll all be going out drinking at the casino. I usually end up meeting guys when I go out drinking at the casino. I just don't want any stories make their way back to Kindred which I'm sure they will because it's a small town and gossip is a favorite past time. However, one thing that will tone down the danger of flirting mixed with drinking is that my mom will be there. Of course, she'll probably leave before anyone else but that usually helps me stay in line a bit better.

I kind of make myself sound worse than I am. I don't think there's anything wrong with flirting especially since I never take it to the physical level. I guess I just don't want Kindred to have any reason to think or talk badly of me. He already doesn't like my "innocent" flirting so hearing it from others will only make his imagination run wild and cause him to think poorly of me. I know the relationship is over but I still don't want him to think of me in a negative light. I'd like it if we could stay on good terms and still respect one another. Not to mention that we both live in a small town and rumors and negativity have a way of spreading like wildfire.

Again, no use worrying. I have no idea who will actually be coming at this point and the whole point of the outing is to take advantage of the weekend birthday and have fun. I'll focus my energy in a positive manner and I'm sure everything will turn out better than I could have hoped.

27 here I come

I've decided to plan a birthday celebration for...myself haha. Normally I'm not into my birthday and I don't really like a lot of attention on me so my birthday usually consists of dinner, cake, and presents with my family. Why is this year any different? Well, a couple of reasons. The biggest reason being that it falls on a Saturday. Weekend birthdays only happen every six or seven years so it's definitely worth taking advantage of! The second reason? It's my last birthday as a single woman.

My family, bless them, already have some things planned on the day. My little sister has a track meet and is also competing in the high school talent show. I don't doubt that we'll get some birthday stuff in there also but I want to go out and celebrate. So, I've already talked to S. and she's down to hang out. I've also invited a few other girlfriends who I think would add life to the outing. I'm thinking maybe the casino or a new place in P.A. followed by a hotel party depending on who comes and how many of us.

My only concern? Everyone aside from a few of the girls don't know each other. It's unfortunate but this can be a problem sometimes when it comes to having a "girl's night". Girl's are complex creatures and when they interact either it's wonderful, or miserable. I'm going to try to focus on the previous. I think if I believe it will turn out great, it will. Hopefully my family is not disappointed with me planning my own birthday this year. Mom will probably come out with the rest of us but my dad and sister will be left to themselves.

Even though 27 brings me three years close to 30 (oy!) I'm still excited. After all, it is the year I meet my other half =-D

The point of no return

I can honestly say I feel really good about my decision with Kindred. Being with him those few times after the official break-up actually put my mind and feelings more to rest than anything. I think without that I would still being feeling anxious and having some feelings of desire for him. Being with him did feel nice but at the same time I remember thinking over and over while with him, "this isn't what I want". Now I have no questions or desire to be with him.

Remember how I talked about being worried that I would push off meeting "Him" because I was spending time with Kindred? Well, I think it may have actually done the opposite. You see, just knowing something is going to happen does not set it in stone. Each of us has the power to attract things towards us or push things away based on our thoughts, feelings, and actions. True, being with Kindred would contradict my finding my husband-to-be but now that I've done it I couldn't be more sure of my decision.

My Intuitive Life Coach told me I would be hearing from Kindred until about May at which time he would stop trying to be in my life. Now that things have happened the way they have I think it may be possible that this event has come much sooner. I have no intentions to stay in contact with Kindred at this point. I think that distance is what we need. He has not tried to contact me again since Saturday and I'm actually hoping this continues. Before I was secretly craving contact from him. This was most likely my ego needing reassurance that he still wanted me. Now that I know he did, my ego is satisfied and lined up with my thoughts, feelings, and actions.

So, if I attracted the event of Kindred halting contact, I may have also attracted meeting my husband-to-be to a sooner time as well. I'd like to think this is true. Patience...not really an easy virtue for me LOL. Of course, I'll wait as long as I have to. But, I definitely will not be going back to Kindred, for any romantic reason!

A night out with friends

Last night I met up with S. and a good friend of hers who came over from Tacoma. We all met at the casino. I recognized a large group of guys whom I had seen earlier at the golf course when I was having lunch with Kindred. I went and said "hi" to one of them, belligerently drunk by then and quickly made my escape. Later one of the guys with the group asked to buy me a drink and was gracious enough to do the same thing for S. He quickly became part of our friendly group. We had a lot of fun all of us and stayed out until 2:30 AM.

I was a little surprised that Kindred didn't make an appearance. I thought he might since he knew I was going out to the casino and given that we had the conversation yesterday leading to our separation, he might check up on me. However, if he did, I don't have any knowledge of it. I hope he decided to go out last night and that he had a fun time. I don't want any ill feelings between us. I haven't responded to the two texts I received from him yesterday and feel it is best not to at this time. I'm not playing games with him. I just need distance.

I'm drawing a blank for anything further to write. Going to bed after 3:00 AM and then getting up to go to church and spending the duration of the day running errands in town is exhausting. I'm ready to retire to the couch for the night. Buenas Noches

Back to basics

Well, it took a little longer than I thought but I'm back to not seeing Kindred. I saw him yesterday and though I had planned on cutting things off then, it didn't quite work out that way. I've always been the type of person to talk about personal things like this in person but I'm finding that doing this with Kindred is more of a challenge than anything else. We end up falling into the temptation that is "us". I don't want to go into details but after leaving him yesterday I had shared my apprehension for getting back together but had not completely told him that it wasn't happening.

I saw him again today. We spent some time together being "us" and then went to the golf course for lunch. Everything was going fine, as fine as can be suspected, when he received a text message that I did not expect. It turned out that Kindred was planning on going out this evening with some friends to a local bar. I've always been very forthcoming with everything that I feel, think, and do and appreciate others doing the same with me. Kindred knew right away that he had messed up by purposely keeping the information from me. The conversation progressed about the subject and Kindred admitted that he had been planning on dating and going out to meet people. He followed up by saying that this was not what he wanted. He wanted me to tell him not to go and to be with me. Of course, he would have done that if I had said so much.

I couldn't do that though. I don't feel that way. I told Kindred that he should go out, have fun, and date people. He doesn't owe anything to me nor I anything to him. After numerous efforts to keep me there at his house I was able to leave. Now Kindred knows for sure that things are over between us.

I feel relieved. I knew it had to come to this. Now I can get back to the important thing...my husband-to-be. August seems so far away still. And yet, I had a final session with a client the other day and I realized that she and I had been seeing each other for counseling for six months. That time seemed to fly by. Once August hits I'm sure I'll be saying the same thing about this time flying by.

I'm just so excited! I'm looking forward to ending my single-life and starting the romance that will last for the majority of my life. I'm going to treasure him and do everything I possibly can to make it a relationship that God would be proud of. Soon, soon, soon. I'm just glad I'm back on track. I faltered, but I won't again.

"D" Day

The sun is shining brightly and I'm in a pretty good mood today. After days of back and forth torment about my decision, I've reached a conclusion. I will see Kindred tomorrow. Not that I have any followers to this blog but if I did I'm sure you all would be shaking your heads and eagerly writing comments to reconsider. Can't say I disagree with you.

I'm giving into the temptation to see him but under a very specific condition. Tomorrow I will tell him that I don't want to reenter into a relationship with him. Kindred has not yet pressured me to make a decision but a text from him yesterday implied that he already assumes that we're going to be back together. He made reference to celebrating my graduation from M.S. school in June. I understand why he made this assumption given that we have been talking the way we did when we were dating. However, my feelings never changed in respect to this decision. Considering a relationship with him is out of the question for me.

The other part that I struggled with was prolonging the affair, and let's face it, that's what it would be. It's kind of like when you're dating someone you already know it isn't going to work out with but you're trying to find the right time to break up, "I can't do it now because Valentine's Day is next month, then it's my birthday, then we have plans for a trip, etc. etc. etc.". I've been doing a bit of that in my head. However, my conscience has won, which I knew it would, and I know I have to break things off now. It's for the best. I hope it isn't harder this time around for Kindred. I don't want him to hate me. I guess I'll know tomorrow...

Dazed and Confused

Not that it has to be said at all but I have been neglecting my blogging. Reason? Pathetically, it is Kindred. Argh! I know how that sounds, trust me! I have not lost sight of the reason I'm doing this or that ultimately I am focused on attracting "Him". I'm not getting back together with Kindred. Of this, I'm sure. BUT, that does not decrease the amount of temptation I'm facing or the lack of strength I have to conquer it.

I'm truly giving it some serious effort. Usually the way it works is I wake up telling myself that I cannot see him Friday. Today I even went as far as to text out my explanation. The problem then came with pressing "send". I didn't do it. I deleted everything and wrote the generic morning text. I'm even strong in the evenings sometimes. Last night I went to bed without texting him at all. I am not a fake person! I've always been very genuine and true to myself. I also do not lie. I despise lying! I'm acting out of character and it's causing me to exprerience turmoil.

The Intuitive Life Coach told me back in September at my first reading that being with Kindred would feel like bliss. She couldn't have been more right. That is what I'm struggling with. If you were offered a moment of bliss in your stressful day, no...your stressful LIFE, would you take it? I just want to feel it again. I feel good when I'm with him and that's what's so hard to let go of. In fact, it's the same thing I struggled with when I broke up with him initially. The connection, the chemistry, the ease, is in a word, blissful. I really can't explain it any better than that.

I know what I have to do. I have to tell him that I have no intention of reentering into a relationship with him. I just find myself convincing myself that I could do it "next time". I consider myself to be a pretty decisive person. Never in my entire life have I felt so completely torn between what I know I will do and the temptation of prolonging it for a few more moments of bliss. Temptation really is a weird thing. I feel like I've never faced it with such force before.

Regardless, I will meet my husband-to-be in August just like what was foreseen. I truly believe this and that alone holds my confidence that it will happen. The stupid part is I feel like I'm cheating on him if I do spend time with Kindred. I will tell Kindred. I have to!

An insightful sermon

The sermon in church today seemed to be directed right at me. It was all about temptation and how it plays a role in our lives. The pastor claimed that God does not give us temptation as a way to test us but I am not so sure I agree with this notion. Why create temptation if not to tempt? God put the Tree of Good and Evil in the Garden of Eden to test Adam and Eve and their loyalty to Him.

My temptation? Kindred. I'm suppose to see him again this Friday since he and I both have the day off. I told him through text that all I know right now is it feels really good to spend time with him but that I'm not ready to make it a sure thing. I added that if he doesn't want to see me until I figure out my feelings, that I would understand. However, he did the opposite. He told me that he appreciates my honesty and that enjoying my company is enough for him right now. It made me happy at the time because I was looking forward to spending time with him. Now...it's just more difficult.

After hearing the sermon today I decided that I could not go over there Friday. I'm being tempted. I already know that I don't want to be in a relationship with Kindred. Right now I'm just tempted by the way I feel when I'm with him. I can't lie to myself, I really enjoy cuddling up with him and kissing him is very passionate. He compliments me all the time and tells me how he feels about me. All these things are things I crave and deeply appreciate which is what makes it so tempting.

So, as I left church I was dead set that I would not be seeing Kindred this Friday. Now, I'm not so sure. *Sigh* I really don't know what I'm doing!!! I wish I'd never put myself in this situation to begin with.

After church we went to the store and Kindred was working. I walked with my parents until we saw him. I came up behind him and said, "hey stranger". When he turned around I could see how happy he was to see me. Then he realized my parents were there and he knew he couldn't let on what has been going on between us. All in all, things went pretty well.

I want to talk to my mom about everything but I haven't. Mostly because I don't know what I'm going to do. My greatest concern as I've mentioned before is that I will alter my meeting my husband-to-be in August. I really want to fight this temptation! I know I should and yet I'm not confident that I will. In so many ways I have incredible self-control. This time, for a reason unknown to me I find myself incredibly weak.

I will be so proud of myself if I resist this temptation.

We need to talk...

Every man's worst nightmare to hear those words, "We need to talk". Well, that's what I proposed to Kindred this morning. Since Wednesday I have been receiving texts from him that are like we are dating again. I've been really confused. I finally asked him (via text) this morning what all this means to him. His reply, "I still care about you. I would love to have u in my life". Now I know what he's hoping the make-out session Wednesday means. He wants to get back together.

I can't deny that it's somewhat tempting. There are lots of things I miss about him and being lonely is never appealing. BUT, and that's a huge BUT, I know he's not the one for me. I don't want to get back together. That would just prolong going through a break-up again later and I take the risk of changing the sands of time by pushing my husband-to-be away. I need to keep my heart, mind, and soul focused in the right direction.

Finding "Him" means more than anything to me! I refuse to do anything to jeopardize that. It won't be an easy conversation to have with Kindred but it's something I know I have to do. I just hope it doesn't create any kind of animosity between us.

Guilt

I feel guilty. It's stupid really. I haven't done anything really "wrong". So, it's Wednesday. Kindred came over to bring me the frame. I was really nervous all day knowing I was going to see him. Everything started out fine. My dog was super excited to see him and visa versa. They spent some time together and Kindred gave me a hug. After putting the picture in the frame we had small talk. Kindred drank a glass of water and we both sat on the couch discussing what we've been up to lately.

After a few lull silences he said he should be going. There was an awkward moment where we looked at each other a little too long. You know when eye contact become uncomfortable? Well, it went a few seconds past that. It happened a few more times and I asked him what he was thinking. That's when things got really complicated. He stood up, came over to me and planted one on me right on the mouth. I have to admit, it was really, really nice. He and I have always had incredible chemistry and passion for one another.

Well, things snowballed from here. We're kissing, and hugging, and telling each other how we've missed the other. We talked about how we've both been being stubborn with not texting one another and how we both have been involved in a power struggle with the other. It was as if all the things over the past few weeks were spewed out instantly all because he kissed me. Everything had been bottled up and we blew the cork out and released all the pressure.

It really was quite strange how quickly we fell back into being "us". The next thing I know it's as though we never broke up at all. This is where I got extremely confused and I said so to him.

I feel really guilty about doing it. My sights are set on my husband-to-be and here I am kissing my ex-boyfriend. Argh! I was weak and gave into temptation. I don't want to be with Kindred. There are things I miss definitely and it felt really nice to be held by him again but I know he is not the one for me nor I for him.

Now I just don't know what to do about it all. To be honest, I wish it hadn't happened altogether. However, I am proud of myself that it didn't go past kissing. I know Kindred wanted more but I stuck by my guns on that one.

I cannot deny that I have feelings for Kindred. I care about him deeply. There are so many things I miss, so many things that I could easily go back to. Being with Kindred is easy as long as he doesn't get upset.

I just want August to hurry up and get here! I want my love to be directed toward the correct person. I just wish I knew where he is.

V-day Cont...

Yesterday really turned out to be a great day with the girls. I can't even tell you the last time I've spent time with girlfriends like that. I forgot what it's like to really hang out with friends. I was so happy that S. and S. (I know it's confusing but both their names start with "S") got along so well. We all had a great dinner together and shared a bottle of champagne. We were planning on going to a movie after dinner but got so involved in conversation that the time flew by. Needless to say, we missed the movie. So, we decided to head back into town to play some pool. The establishment was pretty much dead aside from a couple of creepy guys who took notice of us and attempted to recruit us into playing doubles in a game of pool with them.

We ended up playing one game by ourselves, doing the best we could to avoid the creeps and then returned to the house I was sitting. We sat up all night drinking, and talking. For the second night in a row my head didn't hit a pillow until after 3:30 AM. The sleep deprivation was worth the experiences we shared though. It really was a terrific Valentine's Day. I mentioned before that my last "stag" Valentine's Day was worth celebrating. Well, I feel that was accomplished and I wouldn't have wanted to celebrate with anyone else. It was perfect!

I did hear from Kindred yesterday. He told me that he wants to bring me the frame he made for me. It matches another one which is already hanging in my office. He had told me on the "Brief Encounter" that he was still making it for me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he would bring it to me. So, Wednesday after work he is bringing it out to my house. But, that's not all we talked about.

He mentioned that he received my email with the video link. He wasn't able to watch the video because there weren't any speakers but he told me he planned to do so. Then he said something kind of random, "I hope I didn't upset you." I was confused and he said that he meant through texting. I admitted that my feelings were hurt the other day but that I was fine now. I don't want to write everything that was said but he really opened up and told me how he wishes things had been different between us and that he loves me. It's pretty confusing considering he didn't want to tell me he missed me just a week ago because he didn't want it going to my head and now he's telling me he loves me?!

What I think is that he felt guilty after receiving my email. I had sent it quite awhile ago and he knew he hadn't been that nice to me between when I sent it and the present. There is so much to analyze with him and so many, many games! I really don't know how Wednesday will go but in my heart of hearts I truly believe it would be best to sever all contact. It's very difficult for me to focus on meeting my husband-to-be with Kindred throwing out so many mixed signals. Hmmm, I guess I'll know more come Wednesday.

Faced with a tempting offer

So, today is the day. It's Valentine's Day and though I do not have an official ''valentine", I'm so grateful that my good girlfriend came over to be with me this weekend. We woke up incredibly sleep deprived and in need of some hearty food. I took her to the restaurant at the golf course for breakfast. I'm yet to be disappointed with their food and this time was no exception. We enjoyed a filling breakfast and two mimosas each to jump start our engines for the day. Then we made a trip to the store to buy the necessary items for the movie we're going to tonight with S. Of course, Kindred was working. I was extremely anxious. This was my first time into the store with Kindred working since the break-up. Fortunately enough we avoided contact completely. In fact, I didn't even see him. That's not to say however that he didn't see us. It was shortly after 12:00 and my gut told me he was up in the break room for lunch. The windows to the break room offer a bird's-eye-view over the check out stands. I resisted the urge to look up into the mirrored windows. Though, I did see a friend of Kindred's who also works there and we exchanged greetings. So, either way he'll know that I was there. I felt better once I stepped foot outside of the store and even better that I looked cute in case he did catch a glimpse.

Anyway, that is not what this post has to do with ... last night my good friend drove in from the other side of the water and met S. and me at the casino for drinks and fun. Shortly after she arrived we were confronted by a young handsome guy who invited us to join his table. We decided it was safe and sat down with the young man and his friend. He was such a gentleman buying drinks all around aside from himself because he chooses not to drink alcohol.

We had so much fun talking, dancing, and getting to know quite a few new people. One of the highlights of the night was a 93 year old drinking and smoking woman who didn't look a day over 60 shaking her money-maker (quite literally given that she was a Las Vegas stripper for 30 years) and swearing profusely. We got an eye-full of what she had to offer more than once along with a 50 year old woman in a short red dress, black sheer nylons, and canary yellow pumps who flashed us her 34 DDDs numerous times during her short sit at our table. Needless to say, we were surrounded by entertainment everywhere we turned.

The young man who originally approached us seemed to take a liking to me and I have to admit that I was impressed with his demeanor, morals, nature, and the fact that we were the first girls he'd ever approached in a public setting. We talked most of the evening. When 1:00 hit and we decided to head out, I could tell he wanted to continue our visit. The girls and I were tired and started heading for the door which led to our cars. The young man was walking with us, trying to find the right time to ask for my number when he was stopped by a friend he hadn't seen in a long time and was occupied until we had left the building.

I have to admit that it was tempting to make a connection with him even though I know he isn't "Him". Maybe it had something to do with Valentine's Day, or maybe just downright, raw loneliness. Regardless, it was a fine, innocent evening which ended with us going our separate ways.

I truly want to wait for "Him". I don't want to waste my time, energy, and emotions investing in someone I already know isn't "The One". On the other hand, it felt really good to know I was found attractive by a young, good-looking man who wasn't looking for cheap fun or a romp in the sac. At least my energy is being directed toward the right type of men.

I sure wonder what "He" is doing today. Wouldn't it be something if he was thinking about me the same way I am about "Him"? Hmm, where are you? I'm so excited for us to meet! I know we haven't officially met yet and don't really know each other but I just have to say ... Happy Valentine's Day to you, the man who changes my life for all time. XOXO